Update

Yeah so thing's will be a bit messed up for a bit in this Blog because I have been copying and pasting stuff from various places... but it will soon make sense, at least to me. But this post has actually been written on the day it says on the top.
Let's make a brief update to my life.
So... about 7 months ago I took most of my stuff to charity and moved to US for 3 months. My plan was to stay there longer but well.. life got in the way and I had to leave. I wish I had never gone there, I literally got nothing out of being there - just lots of debt and bad memories. America is not a place for me.... I quite liked having 600 TV channels though lol. People often wonder why I don't talk about my time there, but the fact is that I just didn't do anything worth mentioning there. Well, I went to the Universal Studios in LA which was great fun and hung out with my boyfriend at the time which in a way was fun too but scarred me bad because basically we were just too different from each other. I hung on to him for a long time because for a while now I have been longing for a normal life and I thought I could stay in US and have that with him, but I think in many ways I was just in love with his words (he promised me the moon from the sky) and not with the person he was. To be completely honest I am still trying to over come all that went on in my life back then.
In the end of November last year (2007) I had to leave US and I had no idea what I was going to do because I only had a flight to London and I didn't have anything there waiting for me. I cried more than I ever have the last weeks in US because I was so afraid that I was going to end up on the streets. I had no money what so ever and my US boyfriend was incabable of helping me out (where was that moon from the sky he had promised me???). Luckily I had at least one good and dear friend in this world that bought me a flight from London to Helsinki and I was able to go stay with my friends in Finland. The luck was on my side again because the folowing day that I had arrived in Finland I got a job from a local store as a seasonal sales assistant and I was able to get me some much needed money.
So December I was living in my home town in Finland, hanging out with my old friends, seeing my mother a lot and basically getting myself little by little dragged back to normal life. It was very good break for me and a chance to get to know myself a bit.
I had made a decision of going back to London in January and I even booked a ticket to do so, but when the day came that I was supposed to have left I completely broke down. I remember sitting on the floor at my friends flat just crying and shaking because I was so afraid. I felt that my time was up in Finland, that I didn't really belong there anymore and I had nothing waiting for me in London either, not even a job. My friends had promised that I could stay at theirs until I found something but for some reason the option sounded very scary.
So I missed my flight... now what?
I slept over the night and the next day I was feeling a lot happier and decided to get a grip of my life. I booked me another ticket for the folowing day and made sure I wouldn't chicken out that time. I got to London and was so happy to see my friends and I love them to bits for letting me stay at their place for few nights. Quite quickly I found me a room where I was able to stay for 2 months - I was living with a family that was from Mauritius. They had 2 very sweet children and all in all they were very nice people. I did some temporary work to keep the cash flowing in and soon went for 2 interviews for permanent jobs. Well... funnily enough they both wanted to hire me and I had a hard time deciding which one to go for, but eventually the one that promised me more money got my interest.
I was waiting for the pay day like rising moon because I literally had no money for anything... I was stealing fruits from the family I was living with ... (well ok they said that I can eat them...) and I had to stay home for 3 days on the last week because I didn't have money to get me a travelcard. I had asked ALL my friends to lend me money and everyone said that they couldn't help me... cheers guys - I know who my true friends are now.
Well... incase my life wasn't hard enough at that point the destiny decided to spice it up a bit.
The day we were supposed to have gotten paid we heard that the unit that was supposed to pay our wages had gone bankcrupt.... I was like WTF!!!!! when I heard that because I had to move out of the "Mautitius house" 2 days after our pay day. I had a flat lined up for me already and I was supposed to go pay the deposit on my payday. Naturally I lost the flat and on saturday morning, the 1st of March I was kicked out from my old house as well. I asked the family if I could have stayed longer but they had lots of people coming over to stay in the room I had been living in so it was streets for me. It didn't make things any better that I had a bounding headache from the drinks my work mates had bought me the previous night.
I am very proud of myself for not falling into despair and finding out a way to save my own life because I was in a very tough situation and basically it had been made very clear to me that no one would help me.
I know I never thought I would say this but THANK GOD FOR THE QUICK CASH/PAYDAY LOANS! Bank wasnt giving me a loan and I was desperate to get some money. I surfed probably all the sites in the world that would lend me money and in the end of the day I had £700 on my account - I think it was pretty impressive. Ok, so I had money but I was still on the street and didn't know where I would go sleep for the night. The friends that accomodated me when I came to London was away from home and no one else could have really given me a place to stay. I went online and flicked through some adds for flats and only called one place which I went to see the same day and moved in the same day as well. It was amazing and I am still wondering how everything turned out. Someone asked me later on if I believed in God and I have to say that if that wasn't a miracle then nothing is, I truly have an angel looking after me, I am so positive of that.
Well, it is a month later now and we still haven't been paid. A different unit is taking care of our pays now and they did write an emergency cheque to everyone which would cover everyone's urgent payments but apparently that will be deducted from our wages in the next 6 months.
My life is starting to calm down a bit and after a long time I can see the sun shining behind the gray clouds that have been covering my life for a very long time.
I have found myself smiling for no reason while queueing for food from the cafeteria and humming a song while walking home from the bus stop. I have turned that page now and I think I will finally start to write the story called "the rest of my life". I never want to go through the shit I have been going through for the past year and it all has been self inflicted. I have been doing things just because "I WANT TO" without wondering if it was something I truly wanted.
I'm still just a half a person of what I could be but now I know that I will be full one day and maybe then I can take care of someone else as well. - I can always dream.