Haven't written here for a while because well... I just haven't felt like writing really and in a way I feel like this blog has become a bit of a "pretend" blog since I know that people who know me and who I know read it and as in everything that I do in my life I have to keep up an appearance.
I know that sounds a bit sad but what can I say, it's the world we live in. I can't share everything that goes on in my life with almost anyone - you need to get extremely close for me to start sharing (yeah I know, I rant about very personal stuff here, but it goes even deeper). I think diaries are private for a reason - in there you can write your deepest thoughts and I think me amongst many people have misunderstood what a blog really is.
So... I think I am going to leave this blog until I have something worthwhile to write here.... like about trips I am going to make etc. (Next one is to New York for Christmas by the way...).
Meanwhile, have a happy autumn everyone and you all know where to find me to get an update how I am doing :)
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
This was actually written already on the 29th of August... Just forgot to post it.
Ok, so I started a new job, I moved to a new flat, I broke up with Chris and basically I feel that I am going through another transition again. How many times can you turn from a caterpillar to a butterfly???
Well, I have been in a roller coaster of emotions once again and sometimes it just gets a bit too overwhelming but I think this is all for the better.
My old job was very easy but stressful at the same time. I had lots of time in my hands that gave me time to do whatever I wanted really but at the same time, since I was pretty much my own boss I had to make sure that everything I was responsible of was taken care of, and many of these things were of very high importance.
I think the thing that drove me away from my job was the lack of organisation, the lack of support and the lack of people around me who showed appreciation to the things I was doing.
My old flat was infested with a horrible landlord/roommate that was slowly smoking me out of the house… can you believe that on several occasion I had to go pee in the garden because the guy was staying in the bathroom for so long.
And well Chris and me… we had been fighting a lot and then hardly speaking for 2 weeks.
*Sigh*
Anyway – time to start a new movie, I think the last one was a bit too emo, lets make the next one a comedy or at least an action packed Sylvester Stallone rip-off.
Ok, so I started a new job, I moved to a new flat, I broke up with Chris and basically I feel that I am going through another transition again. How many times can you turn from a caterpillar to a butterfly???
Well, I have been in a roller coaster of emotions once again and sometimes it just gets a bit too overwhelming but I think this is all for the better.
My old job was very easy but stressful at the same time. I had lots of time in my hands that gave me time to do whatever I wanted really but at the same time, since I was pretty much my own boss I had to make sure that everything I was responsible of was taken care of, and many of these things were of very high importance.
I think the thing that drove me away from my job was the lack of organisation, the lack of support and the lack of people around me who showed appreciation to the things I was doing.
My old flat was infested with a horrible landlord/roommate that was slowly smoking me out of the house… can you believe that on several occasion I had to go pee in the garden because the guy was staying in the bathroom for so long.
And well Chris and me… we had been fighting a lot and then hardly speaking for 2 weeks.
*Sigh*
Anyway – time to start a new movie, I think the last one was a bit too emo, lets make the next one a comedy or at least an action packed Sylvester Stallone rip-off.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Flathunt
All right - a slight update.
So this is my last week at Morgan Stanley... On Friday I was out with one work mate of mine and almost missed the opportunity of my life for a really nice little flat that is quite a bargain for what it is.
I went to see it 1.5 hours late (ugh how embarrasing) and I was slightly tipsy as well by the time I got there. I was pretty sure that I didn't get it because it was nice, well located, cheap and included all the bills, so I wasn't the only person who went to see it.
I pulled all my charmga cards from my pocket (you know the usual: professional female in her late 20s, working for a big investment bank etc. etc.) and yet I still felt that the man wasn't too impressed when I left.
I called him on Saturday to make sure that he understood that I was very interested in it and STILL he said that he will wait until Monday to make a decision. Well, Monday came and I was getting very nervous. I went to see some other flats just in case but none of them were in my price range nor did I really like them much. I really wanted that studio flat because the moment I walked into that tiny living area I felt that I was home.
Well, I got home on Monday evening with no phone call from the landlord. I was getting a bit sad and knew that I shouldn't have killed the spider the previous night because it's bad luck... nor should I have though negatively before that I wasn't going to get it because negative thoughts usually magically happen when you dwell on them beforehand.
Around 8 in the evening I decided that I couldn't live with the pressure of not knowing and I called the landlord... AND HE TOLD ME THAT THEY WOULD OFFER THE PLACE FOR ME IF I WANTED IT.
I still have to come up with £500 TODAY to go pay the deposit but I will go sell my soul if I have to to get it sorted out, I want this place so bad and I am going to get it.
...
I can't wait for all this drama be over - I just want to return to some normality. I'm keeping quite positive though.
So this is my last week at Morgan Stanley... On Friday I was out with one work mate of mine and almost missed the opportunity of my life for a really nice little flat that is quite a bargain for what it is.
I went to see it 1.5 hours late (ugh how embarrasing) and I was slightly tipsy as well by the time I got there. I was pretty sure that I didn't get it because it was nice, well located, cheap and included all the bills, so I wasn't the only person who went to see it.
I pulled all my charmga cards from my pocket (you know the usual: professional female in her late 20s, working for a big investment bank etc. etc.) and yet I still felt that the man wasn't too impressed when I left.
I called him on Saturday to make sure that he understood that I was very interested in it and STILL he said that he will wait until Monday to make a decision. Well, Monday came and I was getting very nervous. I went to see some other flats just in case but none of them were in my price range nor did I really like them much. I really wanted that studio flat because the moment I walked into that tiny living area I felt that I was home.
Well, I got home on Monday evening with no phone call from the landlord. I was getting a bit sad and knew that I shouldn't have killed the spider the previous night because it's bad luck... nor should I have though negatively before that I wasn't going to get it because negative thoughts usually magically happen when you dwell on them beforehand.
Around 8 in the evening I decided that I couldn't live with the pressure of not knowing and I called the landlord... AND HE TOLD ME THAT THEY WOULD OFFER THE PLACE FOR ME IF I WANTED IT.
I still have to come up with £500 TODAY to go pay the deposit but I will go sell my soul if I have to to get it sorted out, I want this place so bad and I am going to get it.
...
I can't wait for all this drama be over - I just want to return to some normality. I'm keeping quite positive though.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Turbulence of life
Ok, so I left my notice at work today... Have to still stay for another two weeks here.
If I was nasty I left right away since Redstone never bothered to make a new contract for me when my probation period was over, but my boss hackled me to stay here for another 2 weeks so I can hand over all my work to other people.
I guess that's ok but I am really doing it just because I am a nice person, there is no law binding me to stay here because I never had a contract... I feel that this place has ripped me off enough as it is, maybe I should have just said that I will leave now.
Well, they were first saying that I should stay for the next 4 weeks but I said that it was a no go.
Ok, so why did I hand in my notice?
Well, before I went on my holiday I had a little discussion with one of the managers about my pay. I felt that I had been worked to the bone for the past few months and I really wanted to get a raise. Only response I got from them was that they were going to review it sometime in the future.
Well, I went for my holiday and when I got back I entered a complete chaos that had formed when I had been away. The first day I was back from my holiday I was feeling very stressed and felt like I needed another holiday. This all boiled down to me bursting into tears in our meeting room because of the sheer pressure that was on my shoulders.
At the same time I had been contacted by an agency who was asking me if I was available for an interview for a different job. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain at that moment so I went for it.
Naturally I got the job (hehe).
While all this was going I also had an "argument" with my roommate/landlord which boiled down to me having to find a new place. I guess this is all good because the new job is waaaaay outside of London and it would take me a very long time to travel there from where I live now, but I really didn't need any more drama at the moment.
So, I am looking for a place to live near Potters Bar, North of London - if anyone reading this has a studio or 1 bedroom flat to rent PLEASE contact me since I need a place to move to in the end of this month.
As you can imagine this circus that I call my life is making me very tired. I have no idea (again) where I will pull money to move again... I am still recovering from my previous chaos and mentally all the stuff that is going on is very draining. But I have to say that there are more positives now in the horizon than negatives.
The new job sounds really nice. My new title is "Junior Account Manager" - no more assistants or admins and no more admin pay either, I will now finally start earning enough money to actually go have a proper hair cut and maybe even go eat out once a month.... that is once I clear out of the ditch I once again will be.
But it's not just the money that is making me very happy about getting this job. There are apparently 30ish people working in the office from 20 different countries. This company has offices almost everywhere in the world and one part of the job is traveling to meet the clients and taking care of the relationships.
Also the fact that the place is out of London... and that I will be moving to live there as well (hopefully). I have been wanting to move out of London for so long just because the quality of life improves basically by every zone you go away from Leicester Square.
I am going to go now, I am feeling really tired and I really can't wait to get back home (well a place where I sleep for now) and lay my head on a pillow.
If I was nasty I left right away since Redstone never bothered to make a new contract for me when my probation period was over, but my boss hackled me to stay here for another 2 weeks so I can hand over all my work to other people.
I guess that's ok but I am really doing it just because I am a nice person, there is no law binding me to stay here because I never had a contract... I feel that this place has ripped me off enough as it is, maybe I should have just said that I will leave now.
Well, they were first saying that I should stay for the next 4 weeks but I said that it was a no go.
Ok, so why did I hand in my notice?
Well, before I went on my holiday I had a little discussion with one of the managers about my pay. I felt that I had been worked to the bone for the past few months and I really wanted to get a raise. Only response I got from them was that they were going to review it sometime in the future.
Well, I went for my holiday and when I got back I entered a complete chaos that had formed when I had been away. The first day I was back from my holiday I was feeling very stressed and felt like I needed another holiday. This all boiled down to me bursting into tears in our meeting room because of the sheer pressure that was on my shoulders.
At the same time I had been contacted by an agency who was asking me if I was available for an interview for a different job. I had nothing to lose and everything to gain at that moment so I went for it.
Naturally I got the job (hehe).
While all this was going I also had an "argument" with my roommate/landlord which boiled down to me having to find a new place. I guess this is all good because the new job is waaaaay outside of London and it would take me a very long time to travel there from where I live now, but I really didn't need any more drama at the moment.
So, I am looking for a place to live near Potters Bar, North of London - if anyone reading this has a studio or 1 bedroom flat to rent PLEASE contact me since I need a place to move to in the end of this month.
As you can imagine this circus that I call my life is making me very tired. I have no idea (again) where I will pull money to move again... I am still recovering from my previous chaos and mentally all the stuff that is going on is very draining. But I have to say that there are more positives now in the horizon than negatives.
The new job sounds really nice. My new title is "Junior Account Manager" - no more assistants or admins and no more admin pay either, I will now finally start earning enough money to actually go have a proper hair cut and maybe even go eat out once a month.... that is once I clear out of the ditch I once again will be.
But it's not just the money that is making me very happy about getting this job. There are apparently 30ish people working in the office from 20 different countries. This company has offices almost everywhere in the world and one part of the job is traveling to meet the clients and taking care of the relationships.
Also the fact that the place is out of London... and that I will be moving to live there as well (hopefully). I have been wanting to move out of London for so long just because the quality of life improves basically by every zone you go away from Leicester Square.
I am going to go now, I am feeling really tired and I really can't wait to get back home (well a place where I sleep for now) and lay my head on a pillow.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
AAAAAAAARGH
Ok, so I nearly broke up with my boyfriend on Tuesday... I got told to leave the house by the landlord on Wednesday and now Thursday I am writing a resignation letter to work. What is with this year?! All these very extreme things keep happening to me...
I am really tired of life and I am going to be losing my mind if these things keep happening to me...
I keep thinking that it is life's way of telling me that better days are coming and this is just a big lesson, but I think sometimes you just have a very shit luck.
Not 100% sure yet if I will quit my job but it is driving me crazy at the moment, I will keep you posted.
I am really tired of life and I am going to be losing my mind if these things keep happening to me...
I keep thinking that it is life's way of telling me that better days are coming and this is just a big lesson, but I think sometimes you just have a very shit luck.
Not 100% sure yet if I will quit my job but it is driving me crazy at the moment, I will keep you posted.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Manual
I have always thought that I am very low maintenance as a girl. I don't expect to get presents every day - or even ever to be honest, I genuinely get surprised every time someone gets something for me. I don't expect flowers (which of course would make my day). I don't expect cooked meals after a hard day at work or suprising little notes telling me I am special. I don't expect text messages every hour with sweet nothingness in them or silly email cards with a bunny spelling words "I love you" - I honestly don't expect any of those in a relationship. Naturally they are things that would be nice and would make me smile and forget about the little negative things that might cause an argument but they are not a neccesity for me in a relationship. I guess that's a way to show to the other person that you are thinking of them... but for me it is enough if the other person shows respect to me and makes me feel safe and happy.
I am one of those people who needs reassurance every day that everything is ok. A little thing could make my world rumble but if I have a strong individual besides me telling me to relax and not to worry I will be fine.
I need hugs and kisses in the morning, in the day and in the evening. I need to cuddle and hear sweet words and plans that might not ever even happen. That's all - that's the incredients for a healthy relationship with me...
I flame up easy, I have always been told that I am very temperamentic personality. Some would say it is good some would say that it is very annoying - I say that it's just who I am and you need to deal with it accordingly.
I get upset about the silliest things but 10 minutes later I can be laughing about something completely different and have completely forgotten what I was upset about. The worst thing at that point is to ignore me or stir it to make it worse.
If I don't get my daily affection I can turn nasty, insecure and bossy. I will start to pick on the smallest things because I am being taken for granted (or at least that is how it feels like since there is no way of knowing the other person thinks of you if they don't show it).
I think all this is pretty standard behaviour for a girl - what you think?
Anyway - that was just a little side note of my general feelings. I was in Finland for a week with my boyfriend Chris. Was great to see my family and some of my friends, breath clean air and swim in a lake that had crystal clear water. We barbequed like every single day and went to sauna - was highly relaxing compared to the sorry existense I have in London at the moment. My work is really stressing me out, eventhough this is the 2nd day back here and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and forget that I have any responsibilities.
I had a meeting with my boss today as well about my payrise and he was being really nice and understanding... which was horrible because my nerves are really shakey at the moment and anything could make me cry. I did manage to keep myself together though...
I just wish this week would be over already. I need a weekend to just sleep and spoil myself. I know I just got back from holiday and I should be all relaxed but things have been a bit "hard" emotionally lol... I need to have one of those "what's the meaning of life" conversations with myself again.
I am one of those people who needs reassurance every day that everything is ok. A little thing could make my world rumble but if I have a strong individual besides me telling me to relax and not to worry I will be fine.
I need hugs and kisses in the morning, in the day and in the evening. I need to cuddle and hear sweet words and plans that might not ever even happen. That's all - that's the incredients for a healthy relationship with me...
I flame up easy, I have always been told that I am very temperamentic personality. Some would say it is good some would say that it is very annoying - I say that it's just who I am and you need to deal with it accordingly.
I get upset about the silliest things but 10 minutes later I can be laughing about something completely different and have completely forgotten what I was upset about. The worst thing at that point is to ignore me or stir it to make it worse.
If I don't get my daily affection I can turn nasty, insecure and bossy. I will start to pick on the smallest things because I am being taken for granted (or at least that is how it feels like since there is no way of knowing the other person thinks of you if they don't show it).
I think all this is pretty standard behaviour for a girl - what you think?
Anyway - that was just a little side note of my general feelings. I was in Finland for a week with my boyfriend Chris. Was great to see my family and some of my friends, breath clean air and swim in a lake that had crystal clear water. We barbequed like every single day and went to sauna - was highly relaxing compared to the sorry existense I have in London at the moment. My work is really stressing me out, eventhough this is the 2nd day back here and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and forget that I have any responsibilities.
I had a meeting with my boss today as well about my payrise and he was being really nice and understanding... which was horrible because my nerves are really shakey at the moment and anything could make me cry. I did manage to keep myself together though...
I just wish this week would be over already. I need a weekend to just sleep and spoil myself. I know I just got back from holiday and I should be all relaxed but things have been a bit "hard" emotionally lol... I need to have one of those "what's the meaning of life" conversations with myself again.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Meh, I am not that miserable!
I have become so lazy at writing and well... the huge post I made the other day wasn't the most pleasant thing to read... I guess I just hit a low point and needed to vent a bit. I know I shouldn't whine and place blame on people who don't really deserve it - it's not good for the karma plus it just makes me bitter, and bitter that post was. I have had a shit luck, so what? I am sure it will change eventually plus I already have some really great things going for me at the moment, just need to be patient and remember to appreciate little things in life that keeps us all going.
The past few months have made me realize the importance of having people around you since I haven't had many. I had my sister visit me and some friends from Finland but besides that I have been living my life pretty much like a hermit because I haven't had money to go out and meet people. People at work have asked me to go out for drinks on several occasions but I have always turned them down because I can't go sit in a pub with nothing in front of me, it's not just awkward, it's also embarrasing. And calling people on the weekend and asking them out has been totally out of the picture. So pretty much all the human contacts that I have had in the past few months are only at work (I can't count my roommates because we don't really spend time together).
Well, I didn't want this to be a whiny post because that's not how I feel at all, I am feeling quite positive. I guess the point that I am trying to say here is that I miss my friends in Finland. I used to live a life where I saw my friends every single day no matter if I had money or not. I used to ride my bike to go visit my friends for a cup of coffee at their place and this cost absolutely nothing. London makes this impossible - London rips you off no matter what you do (I NEED TO GET OUT!).
But as I said before, I am feeling pretty positive today. There has been talk about me getting a payrise sometime soon and even if I was someone else looking at the situation from the outside I couldn't think of a better person to get a payrise - I am now keeping my fingers crossed that I will get it.
Only 3 days (including today) until my week long summer holiday starts. Chris is coming to my place on Friday and then on Sunday we fly to Finland. I am waiting for Friday like the rising moon - I haven't been able to spend time with him for 3 months now and it will be heaven to be able to hug him and drown him in kisses...
Me and a friend of mine are going to go see Madonna in September at Wembley stadium. I am really excited about it since her last show was really awesome! My friend, being a lucky bugger got us tickets to the Golden Circle as well (right in front of the stage) - will have to go there probably the previous day since the Golden Circle still is quite big area.
I can't wait!!!
Soo.... recap of everything - ALL IS FINE! I am pretty happy and if I get the payrise I will be partying!!!
W00t W00t!
The past few months have made me realize the importance of having people around you since I haven't had many. I had my sister visit me and some friends from Finland but besides that I have been living my life pretty much like a hermit because I haven't had money to go out and meet people. People at work have asked me to go out for drinks on several occasions but I have always turned them down because I can't go sit in a pub with nothing in front of me, it's not just awkward, it's also embarrasing. And calling people on the weekend and asking them out has been totally out of the picture. So pretty much all the human contacts that I have had in the past few months are only at work (I can't count my roommates because we don't really spend time together).
Well, I didn't want this to be a whiny post because that's not how I feel at all, I am feeling quite positive. I guess the point that I am trying to say here is that I miss my friends in Finland. I used to live a life where I saw my friends every single day no matter if I had money or not. I used to ride my bike to go visit my friends for a cup of coffee at their place and this cost absolutely nothing. London makes this impossible - London rips you off no matter what you do (I NEED TO GET OUT!).
But as I said before, I am feeling pretty positive today. There has been talk about me getting a payrise sometime soon and even if I was someone else looking at the situation from the outside I couldn't think of a better person to get a payrise - I am now keeping my fingers crossed that I will get it.
Only 3 days (including today) until my week long summer holiday starts. Chris is coming to my place on Friday and then on Sunday we fly to Finland. I am waiting for Friday like the rising moon - I haven't been able to spend time with him for 3 months now and it will be heaven to be able to hug him and drown him in kisses...
Me and a friend of mine are going to go see Madonna in September at Wembley stadium. I am really excited about it since her last show was really awesome! My friend, being a lucky bugger got us tickets to the Golden Circle as well (right in front of the stage) - will have to go there probably the previous day since the Golden Circle still is quite big area.
I can't wait!!!
Soo.... recap of everything - ALL IS FINE! I am pretty happy and if I get the payrise I will be partying!!!
W00t W00t!
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