Monday, March 31, 2008
Now remember to say this to yourself in the morning:
I shall meet today ungrateful, violent, treacherous, envious, uncharitable men. All of these things have come upon them through ignorance of real good and ill... I can neither be harmed by any of them, for no man will involve me in wrong, nor can I be angry with my kinsman or hate him; for we have come into the world to work together...
Blackhole in my life....
Monday.. grr... And not just any ordinary monday but monday after the weekend when the summer time started. Couldn't go to bed until midnight (well I think it was 1) and yet had to still get up at 6.30. My eyes are so heavy - usually at this time (9.30) I am feeling fine already but it seems to be getting worse. Been drinking tea and water to wake me up but no... I could fall asleep immediately if I went to lay down somewhere.
Good thing about today though is that I got finally paid. After 2 and a half months working in this building I finally got paid - Thank God for that. I wasn't struggling anymore thanks to loans but it's nice to actually have that number on my bank statement - makes me feel a bit more secure.
I am so tired... lol.... that seems to be the only thought in my head at the moment... I am sooo tired zZzZzZz....
(That's a pic of the office I work in - it's quite boring but the people are great and work is rather easy)
Well anyway... what should I write about today... hmm... well, I think I should touch a bit of a subject that has been bothering me quite a bit lately and is preventing me from living my life as freely as I would like to.
Naturally it involves another person - how would it be interesting if it didn't?
This guy that I was with for a while and spent time in US with owes me a big chunk of money - mainly from promising he would pay for certain things that I paid with my credit card and also purchasing the stuff that I bought while I was in US. I have a nifty LCD TV, home theatre system, furniture and other rather nice stuff there that he is using and now has no intention to pay me for. I have already told him that he doesn't have to pay me any of the money he owes me (which in my opinion is quite generous) that I would be fine if he just sent me my stuff - but it seems to be too much to ask from him. It bothers me a lot because I consider myself a very nice person and I have never done anything bad to him (well except leave him because it wasn't working out between us). I would just like this whole thing to be behind me and be able to move on with my life but he is blackmailing me with everything he owes me. He is obsessed with me and is not just keeping my stuff but also interfering with absolutely everything I do in my life. Before I changed all my passwords he logged to all my accounts and read through all my emails and talked with people asking things about me. He logged on my msn and read through my conversations - checked my Paypal for all I have bought and basically made sure I had no privacy what so ever.
Ok, so he found out some stuff about me and what I had done (which had no concern to him what so ever because it was basically just stuff I had done for myself, not going to go into it because it is not important) and he asked if I had done it and naturally I denied it because it was quite personal. I kept denying because I didn't want anyone to know about some personal decisions I had done and eventually it went that far that he ended up sending me emails that he had copied from my own email inbox and sending me receipts of what I had been buying with my credit card. So at that point I had no choice but to admit it but I felt really violated. NOW everything I say to him is a lie (according to him that is...) he keeps coming back to referring to me lying to him about that and basically now it feels like I owe my life to him. He keeps calling me a bitch if I don't do everything he asks me of and is acting like I have murdered his pet dog. It hurts me and I think he knows that is doing it for that reason. This is a person who once said that all he ever wants is for me to be happy and now he is doing everything he can to make me miserable.
I don't know what to do with this situation to be honest. Part of me wants to add him to my blacklist and just ignore his existence in this world, but that would mean me losing a lot of money. I have a huge credit card bill to pay for the stuff that he has and it is making me bitter. If it was money already spent it would be fine - but I am paying it with the money I earn right now. ... But then again a part of me believes that no matter how much I struggle I will never get anything from him - I never have even though he made so many promises to me.
It makes me sad because I thought he was my friend but I have never seen anyone hate anyone like he hates me....
Meh, why did I have to write about that - that just brought my moods down..... Something nice to cheer me up... hmmm... well... I had a nice weekend. Let me write it down so I can see how it looks like on writing:
I have a boyfriend!
After few months of being single I have a boyfriend and I think I will really try to take this seriously (well I always do but then something goes wrong..) - I am not sure if it is the best idea for me to start seeing someone already when all the wounds are still open from everything that happened a little while ago but why should I be worrying about things that happened before when there is so many good stuff going to happen in the future..?
Maybe I really should just forget about the stuff I wrote above and wipe it all clean. Everything in my life is great if it wasn't for that big black hole that is sucking a lot from my energy. I am very happy ... I am actually very happy. (and tired ZzzzZZZzzz)
Good thing about today though is that I got finally paid. After 2 and a half months working in this building I finally got paid - Thank God for that. I wasn't struggling anymore thanks to loans but it's nice to actually have that number on my bank statement - makes me feel a bit more secure.
I am so tired... lol.... that seems to be the only thought in my head at the moment... I am sooo tired zZzZzZz....
(That's a pic of the office I work in - it's quite boring but the people are great and work is rather easy)Well anyway... what should I write about today... hmm... well, I think I should touch a bit of a subject that has been bothering me quite a bit lately and is preventing me from living my life as freely as I would like to.
Naturally it involves another person - how would it be interesting if it didn't?
This guy that I was with for a while and spent time in US with owes me a big chunk of money - mainly from promising he would pay for certain things that I paid with my credit card and also purchasing the stuff that I bought while I was in US. I have a nifty LCD TV, home theatre system, furniture and other rather nice stuff there that he is using and now has no intention to pay me for. I have already told him that he doesn't have to pay me any of the money he owes me (which in my opinion is quite generous) that I would be fine if he just sent me my stuff - but it seems to be too much to ask from him. It bothers me a lot because I consider myself a very nice person and I have never done anything bad to him (well except leave him because it wasn't working out between us). I would just like this whole thing to be behind me and be able to move on with my life but he is blackmailing me with everything he owes me. He is obsessed with me and is not just keeping my stuff but also interfering with absolutely everything I do in my life. Before I changed all my passwords he logged to all my accounts and read through all my emails and talked with people asking things about me. He logged on my msn and read through my conversations - checked my Paypal for all I have bought and basically made sure I had no privacy what so ever.
Ok, so he found out some stuff about me and what I had done (which had no concern to him what so ever because it was basically just stuff I had done for myself, not going to go into it because it is not important) and he asked if I had done it and naturally I denied it because it was quite personal. I kept denying because I didn't want anyone to know about some personal decisions I had done and eventually it went that far that he ended up sending me emails that he had copied from my own email inbox and sending me receipts of what I had been buying with my credit card. So at that point I had no choice but to admit it but I felt really violated. NOW everything I say to him is a lie (according to him that is...) he keeps coming back to referring to me lying to him about that and basically now it feels like I owe my life to him. He keeps calling me a bitch if I don't do everything he asks me of and is acting like I have murdered his pet dog. It hurts me and I think he knows that is doing it for that reason. This is a person who once said that all he ever wants is for me to be happy and now he is doing everything he can to make me miserable.
I don't know what to do with this situation to be honest. Part of me wants to add him to my blacklist and just ignore his existence in this world, but that would mean me losing a lot of money. I have a huge credit card bill to pay for the stuff that he has and it is making me bitter. If it was money already spent it would be fine - but I am paying it with the money I earn right now. ... But then again a part of me believes that no matter how much I struggle I will never get anything from him - I never have even though he made so many promises to me.
It makes me sad because I thought he was my friend but I have never seen anyone hate anyone like he hates me....
Meh, why did I have to write about that - that just brought my moods down..... Something nice to cheer me up... hmmm... well... I had a nice weekend. Let me write it down so I can see how it looks like on writing:
I have a boyfriend!
After few months of being single I have a boyfriend and I think I will really try to take this seriously (well I always do but then something goes wrong..) - I am not sure if it is the best idea for me to start seeing someone already when all the wounds are still open from everything that happened a little while ago but why should I be worrying about things that happened before when there is so many good stuff going to happen in the future..?
Maybe I really should just forget about the stuff I wrote above and wipe it all clean. Everything in my life is great if it wasn't for that big black hole that is sucking a lot from my energy. I am very happy ... I am actually very happy. (and tired ZzzzZZZzzz)
(I'm gonna get murdered for posting this pic I think but just thought to put it here, lol we were a bit drunk I think...)
Friday, March 28, 2008
W00t, FRIDAY!
Spring seems to be a time when I am writing a lot. I get these inspirations to just write and clear my mind. Then summer comes and I get distracted...
Ok, so what else has happened to me recently?
Well, my mother had a stroke last week and has been hospitalized since. I've been crying quite a bit because of that but according to her she is doing a lot better now. She lost the ability to move her right arm and leg but last time I spoke with her she was able to walk a bit on her own already, so it sounds like everything is going to the right direction. She will have an operation this week that should prevent her from having another stroke (I'm keeping my fingers crossed). I should really send her some flowers but I just don't have money for it at the moment :( - I know, I shouldn't have bought me new shoes nor paid as much as I did for the hair dresser, but I didn't realize then that I would be running so low on cash...
I am working for a big investement bank at the moment and it's pretty boring if you ask me. I work with really great people though so it makes it all a bit better. I have been reading a lot about franchising and leasing businesses lately though - I still want that Cafe and I need to open it before I get too close to 30!!!! But, how to get £50 000? I have no idea :(
Lately I have also made a concious effort of showing people how I feel. I have been grown up in a house where there were no feelings so it has been very hard for me to express everything that I feel. It's hard for me to hug people or tell them that I love them, but I am working on it. I have started to try to hug my friends more at least lol.
Buuuut, I think it's time for my lunch break.
OH AND IT'S FRIDAY, YAY! And I have someone special coming over today as well ;) (maybe I tell you about that one day, maybe not..)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Stuff from other blogs (year 2007)
Ok this post will be a long one cos I am attaching all I have in Myspace BLOG to this one... so get those snags and a cup of tea ready before you tackle this one.
09 Aug 2007
LAST DAY AT WORK Current mood: excited
Omg, I am so excited... I never have to come here again!!!! GOOD BYE SUCKERS!!!
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07 Aug 2007
Countdown has started!!! Current mood: rushed
All riggggght… It's the last 3 days at Candywall for me (Candywall being my work). I don't know what to do with myself after Thursday – I have a week holiday in London before I fly to Finland. How should I use it
Well part of it will go to getting rid of my stuff and packing, but 7 days… I must do something because I might never live in London again.
I think one day I will wake up at 5 am and take a tube to Ealing Broadway – walk up the road where I used to live when I moved here… take pictures of everything and go eat at a steak sandwich at my favorite café. Then take a bus to Kingston, where I worked and made my first friends. Go buy a cheap shirt from Primark and go feed ducks near the river – and take pictures of everything.
Then I will take a bus number 57 to Wimbledon – ask my friend to come have a drink with me in the Prince of Wales, a place where we always used to go after work on Thursdays. If I still had time after that I would pop to the Sainsbury's where I used to go when I lived in South Wimbledon, buy ordinary groceries and take a bus 44 to my flat, the same bus I used to take always to work from there. I want to remember the everyday stuff I used to do here, not just the highlights.
In a way I feel kind of sad to leave London. It has been my home for nearly two years and I have grown fond of it. I know that where ever I go now I will hate the fact that there is not enough options and getting to places is too difficult compared to London. I know you probably just chuckled in your head "easy to get around, IN LONDON??" Well, in my opinion it is…
You have a great journey planner that tells you even how long it takes for you to walk from A to B and when you wait for a bus/tube/train you know that there will be one in the next 10 minutes – sometimes you might have to wait for longer but it will come eventually.
In my home town if you miss a bus you will have to wait for an hour for a next one or if you are going to for example where my mother lives you might not even have another bus coming after that, you have to wait until the next day. There are some really stupid things here as well that I will not miss (like how difficult some things have been made because of the terrorists or how a cup of coffee costs £2.50 [that's about $5]) and one thing that I will certainly not miss at all is the POLLUTION. I can't wait to get to my mum's place, wake up in the morning, step outside of the door and smell the grass that has been recently cut. Or the "clean" smoke that is coming from the chimney of the sauna we have in our garden OR flowers and the sand (yes sand has a particular smell to it). I wish one day I have tamed myself down a bit so I would be able to live in a place like that. Right now it is just a nice place to visit for a day or a week.
But anyway, I am still in London for a bit so lets concentrate on the good stuff. For now I gotta get back to work – have to at least look like I am working.
Adios!
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27 Jul 2007
the things I did - part1 Current mood: silly
Someone once asked me why I have never written down anything about my travels… and since now I have never thought about it. I have kept a diary all my life but I have never written about things that I have actually done, but rather the feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind at the time.
So far I could have written about the trips my mother me and my sister had when I was a kid. We went to several, now classified as cheesy, tourist resorts around Europe which made my view of the world very twisted. And here again I almost started to elaborate on how it made me look at the world, but lets keep that in the diary, shall we… If I ever publish my biography it will be this, which will be called: "The things I did" and then there will be another book called "The thoughts I thought" which will ultimately be my diary – would double the money as well, because naturally it would be a bestseller.
Ok… so what else have I done in my life worth writing? Well… I could tell about the trip to Stockholm where I left a note written with my lipstick saying "I am sorry I can't stay" (… I was meeting a guy I had met a year before and felt very uncomfortable meeting him again because I was shallow kid who didn't understand anything about world at that time).
Or I could write a book only about the time when I flew to Australia and managed to live there for 6 months with no money at all. Funny thing is that I have pushed that time from my mind a bit; I can't remember much of what I did there… It wasn't the brightest 6 months of my life and quite far away from holiday. I remember being really anxious and scared most of the time. I was lost and found comfort from a person who actually listened to me and helped me through the darkness - And yes, more about that will be in my diary.
After Australia I had my Finland period for a long time. No trips except a few holidays to Spain and one funky drinking holiday to Cyprus, but these were just holidays, not really experiences in such. I know that probably sounds really arrogant since some people never leave the country but we all live our lives differently and make our own sacrifices – I don't have a degree, real friends nor family of my own but I have woken up in a Greek family gathering, climbed Chichén Itzá, seen a stone fish 1 meter away, ask directions in Spanish (which I don't speak), faked train tickets and used insurance card as an ID to leave a country… My point is… lol… MY POINT IS…. Stop writing about nonsense you silly girl… back to the point, which is the TRIPS!!!
So, the next big thing in my life must have been the time when I found a job add that wanted people to go work in Greece in a hotel as an entertainer. Crazy times and lots of emotions. Imagine being thrown in to a huge hotel with lots of tourists pouring in everyday and you are alone responsible of them having a good time and coming up with things for people who decide to stay in the hotel to do. In theory that sounds like fun… but standing in front of a group of people staring at you because you are trying to sound funny is quite far away from fun. Or playing volley ball in the pool for the 50th time that week, or getting beaten up by arrogant 8 year old brat and their mother laughing how cute their little Bryan is OR getting drunk every single night with the guests because you weren't allowed to say no if a customer wanted to buy a drink.
I quit working for the company after a while and ended up on the street for a day in a completely strange country – luck was on my side again when I was in a middle of a huge chaos. Managed to find me a new job and a flat and the rest of the time in Greece was somewhat interesting rather than insane.
After Greece I had a face of traveling to Europe a bit, UK, Holland, Belgium. Then I had my crazy eastern Europe month with a guy who threatened to kill me on several occasions. Visited some impressive places like Auschwitz and Tatra mountains – I am still planning to go back there… one day.
So finally about 2 years ago I traveled to Mexico where I was for 2 months. Mexico was very pretty but I was going through something in my life that I can't quite identify so the experience wasn't the best but I have to say that the most beautiful things I have ever seen I found from there… A year later from that I moved to London, where I am still stuck. Before that I had a little 2 month excursion to Spain and Portugal with a friend of mine which probably was the most fun I have ever had… But yeah, like I said… I am still in London, but in 3 weeks I will leave. I will go to Finland and then I will fly to USA…… but like I said the emotional part will follow after I have made these stories into a book.
And yes, I did write this down juts as a reminder that I have to do this one day.
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25 Jul 2007
IDEA!!! Current mood: busy
Hey wouldn't it be cool if you could have all the stuff you own stored on a computer file. Like all the unnecessary paper that is in the world. Why can't banks send/accept cheques on an electronic form, or shops have gift vouchers that you could just print off when you need it or send the discount code to your phone or something. (This idea is inspired by the mountain of paper I went through last night in my room and still I didn't find the discount thingy for the United Airlines). I am sure there are ways to prevent people from misusing it but it seems that everything needs to be always done by writing… like changing a phone number to the details of the operators at work, what utter BS
And this thought made me think… wouldn't it be cool if you could have EVERYTHING you own stored on a computer file and when you needed something you could just materialize it. Like in the end of the day you de-materialize the clothes you wore for the day and in the morning just get new, clean clothes with a press of a button. Or you could do grocery shopping online and when you start cooking you could just materialize the stuff from the computer. With the gene experiments they have done so far I don't see this being completely crazy idea, I am actually quite sure that one day that is possible.
But just imagine how this invention would help the world. I won't even go into to the recycling possibilities or instant messaging (meaning sending something solid to someone on the other side of the world) but just THINK about how that would make a difference in my room? Now it is packed with stuff that I probably didn't even remember having – I could just do "format room:" and it would be empty!!
I actually remember reading somewhere that scientists have already managed to teleport a beam of light from one place to another so who knows maybe one day we have a major storage station in Mars and we can just teleport all the stuff mentioned above from there. CRAZY WORLD! Now I want to cryopreserve myself and see if this ever happens… SOMEONE FREEZE ME!!!!
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13 Jul 2007
I need a change... Current mood: contemplative
Haven't been writing here for a while again.
Been a bit boring to be honest... The summer has really sucked in UK this year - it has suprise suprise been raining like solid 2 months now - We have had a few sunny days but that's usually when I am at work and when I go on my lunch break there is a little thunderstorm (typical).
I am seriously getting tired of London. I hate my roommates with a passion - I know this is going to sound really racist but I never want to live with German people again - they are pain in the ass.
I have been trying to find me a job from USA... I already have gotten a few responses, but nothing has been confirmed yet. Todays question for me has been wether I should just quit my current job NOW or wait for few weeks... I say I should quit it now but my other side of the brain is chickening out. HELP!
Oh and btw, i saw the new Harry Potter movie yesterday - it was AWESOME!
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24 May 2007
this is actually an email to a friend of mine... :P Current mood: lazy
Hi
How's your week been?
I went for few drinks last night with Dan from work and maaaaaan, I am so tired now. I don't get it, I went to bed the same time as usual but I guess the alcopop takes the energy away so fast. AND I haven't been eating much lately, I really gotta start watching my eating… seriously I haven't made dinner for like 2 weeks… just been eating carrots and a sandwich occasionally and those salads – but I am so determined to get rid of the weight I have put on since I moved to UK. I want my life back and 1st time for a LONG time I actually feel that I am living my life again.
I cycled to work yesterday and I was actually surprised how quick it was… Even though I stopped to look at the map every once in a while and was going majorly slow, I was at work on time and it took me only like 25 mins. I am sure that when I start doing it every day it will take me like 15 mins tops. It just takes FOREVER to take the bike out of the building…
And oh man, I almost crashed to a car as well… The steering wheel (or whatever you call it on a bike) got loose (!!!!!!!!!) and it was basically pointing to a completely different direction from the wheel for a minute… That was very interesting because I was cycling on a busy road at that point. I gotta find some tool to fix it, because it keeps going loose all the time if my wheel hits a side of the pavement or something… you know, one day I am sure it will just come off and I will have a BIG accident – lucky I have the insurance now. And when I was cycling to Clapham Junction in the evening some dick opened their car window and yelled at me "what the f##k are you doing?" … Mind you I was just cycling in front of them like cyclists do if there is no cycle path, I answered with some sign language.
But besides that I haven't really done much since we last saw and I showed you my magnificent poi skills. I was supposed to get some drinks with Miia today but I just realized that I have only £40 on my account for the rest of the month so I think I will give it a miss because I AM GOING TO A MISSION on the weekend (to Cardiff that is).
Can you believe … I think we will go CAMPING!!! Me in a tent… ugh.
But anyway, I gotta go now, Have to at least pretend to be working.
Happy Thursday!!! And guess what… TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!
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15 May 2007
To go out in London (Do you need to be a millionaire?) Current mood: full
First of all, I don't go out much because I am constantly trying to save money so I can escape this city of stress and secondly… HAVE YOU SEEN THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES ONLY 1 COCKTAIL HAS!!!??? Honestly 4 cocktails and your calories intake for the day is up.
But lets see how much I can easily spend on a night out in London.
To get nice clothes in London is luckily quite cheap. If you take a bus out of zone 1 you can find lots of little shops selling clothes that look nice and even last you more than a week. Then there are places like Primark and H&M that sell nice looking clothes pretty cheap but they don't last that long, I tend to avoid these places, but sometimes you just can't avoid that "T-SHIRTS £1.50" sign… But anyway, you can get a really nice outfit for the night for like £50 from e.g. TKmaxx (which is my favourite shop in the world). Girls pay attention TKmaxx sells clothes from FCUK, Calvin Klein, Billabong, Morgan…etc etc half the price (or even cheaper) and they are the real thing, not some cheap copies. Who knows why, but I love it!!! So yeah… £50 for some nice clothes… maybe extra £10 for some bling bling to make it look nice, £30 for some high heals… Ok, so far I have spent £90 – I probably found a nice set of underwear as well so lets make it £100.
Now at this point you think "why do you have to buy new clothes to go out?" well let me tell you… In London you don't wear the same clothes to go out you wore last weekend, you just don't – end of story.
I won't mention all the money I have spent on make up, hair extensions, manicure because these are things you pay for anyway…
So yeah, you are home and it's 9pm and ready to go out… now wait a minute… IN UK YOU ARE NOT HOME AT 9PM because most places already close at 11pm. So yeah… it's 6pm and you are home ready to go out. If you are lucky to live in the zone 1 (yeah right) you can just walk to the coolest pubs in your neighborhood but if you are not you will probably end up taking a tube or a bus (Add travelcard £6).
So you meet up with your friends in a pub on zone 1 which is known for ridiculously expensive drinks… now why did we have to go all the way there to be robbed off our money and get pushed around by the hordes of tourists? Who knows, but it's not really going out in London if you go out somewhere in the outskirts where instead of groovy music videos you see arsenal play against west ham (football [or soccer you ignorant Americans] that is) on the TV.
So a glass of wine – "5 pounds thank you". At this point I always walk to the table and realize that it would have been actually cheaper to buy a bottle instead of a glass, but too late now – so next round: a bottle of wine £15.
When the bottle is empty I usually decide to go home cos I either feel tired or sick or both, but lets say that today was the day that I wasn't feeling either and that friend I haven't seen for AGES just convinced me to continue the night. So we decide to go to another bar for one more drink but this time we go for pink margaritas and 2 shots of something green for both of us and because this is the time of the night when I am feeling the love of the world and I just happened to get me a new flashy credit card THE ROUND IS ON ME… so that's about £20.
"What you mean we are not on the guest list? Don't you know who I am?" ….
So yeah, next thing on our "to do list" is to queue to a nightclub. I am never on VIP list, why? Well beats me, I am a hidden star I guess.
And wow…. There is a special event tonight and the entry fee is only £25 …aren't we lucky. So we managed to get in to the club where my friends comb is confiscated at the security check because she could, according to the big black man in a black suit, stab someone with it (hey at least to me it sounds a bit odd…)
The club is quite full but there are quite a few empty tables and seats, a place to my liking – I can dance and sit down whenever I want to – why can't they always be like this?
At this point I am feeling already so drunk that I don't want more alcohol for a while, a bottle of water will do… WHAT!!!!! £3.50 for a bottle of water??? well f#ck me…
We dance the night away with my girlfriend and sooner or later it's time to visit the ladies room. Luckily this time the queue for the bowl of relief is not that bad… only like 5 girls in front of us. We squeeze to the toilet at the same time with my friend to save time and in no time we are fixing our make up in front of the mirrors. "Here's a towel miss" I hear a depressed voice say behind me as I am washing my hands. These women literally spend their nights in the toilets of nightclubs giving towels to women who wash their hands. There is a wide variety of perfumes, hairsprays, makeup ….etc. for you to use free of charge – only thing then is that you are obliged to give her a tip and I always end up doing so because I feel sorry for these girls… (I know I shouldn't they probably make a fortune there, but I can't help it) so yeah, I empty my wallet of coins to her – must be like £2-3. So now we are refreshed and back on the dance floor… my new shoes have started to have a life of their own and I really feel like sitting down, but hey I remember seeing those empty seats when we came into the club – and yes they are still free!!!! We sit down with my friend and as we are starting to get comfortable a Britney Spears look-alike comes to us and tells to move because it is her seat. Naturally I start to argue back saying that there was no one there and we were there first. Well, little did I know that you can actually RENT the seats in a nightclub for you to use because this Miss I have it all goes and gets the security guard who comes to tell us to move from their seats. Apparently to rent a seat for 2 for the night starts from £600…
After realizing that I had forgotten my unopened bottle of water in to the toilet I am quite ready to leave this over packed meat market. The last tube home left like 15 minutes ago so night bus it is…
90% chance is that I ended up taking the wrong bus because I thought it was quicker and had to take a taxi from there, extra £20 for my night's budget and I probably went to that 24h McDonald's…add £4.
So let's see how much I spent to be able to spend the following day in bed feeling sorry for myself. That's roughly £200 and that is me NOT spending that much. I could easily keep buying drinks in the club as well or go eat before clubbing.
Call me an old fart but I really don't want to go out in London EVER unless it is a gig or just a quiet few drinks in a local pub. Honestly those trendy clubs make me physically ill and I don't understand why you would torture yourself by going in one. Getting completely smashed (that's' if you want to get smashed) in a park with a group of friends and a portable CD player with pc speakers bring me so much more joy than a dance floor packed with sweaty strangers – I probably would end up spending like £180 less on it as well.
So yeah… THIS is why I don't go out anymore.
SHUT UP you 18 years olds, I don't care what you have to say – let me quietly grow old…
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10 May 2007
wtf - another post??!! Current mood: creative
I know, world has gone crazy – I think I have never been updating my blog so regularly.
But you know, when I was a teenager I was writing to my diary nearly every day. I was such an angry girl 10 years ago. I wrote heart breaking poems, painted psychedelic paintings, wore black clothes to match my hair and make up and in every way was sure that I was alone in the world and no one cared about me. I will try to find a picture of me from that time, but I don't think it will be easy because I didn't want people to take pictures of me.
But anyway, the entries I have made to my diaries are hard to read now, there are many pages dedicated to my dad who I wanted to die in the most horrible ways (and by the way, my dad wasn't that bad – it is a long story which I might share someday) and there are sad stories of me trying to fit in to the world, find someone to love me, someone to care… and I have been so lost with no one telling me how to do things and what was right and what was wrong.
I have a great mother, she has given me life, taught me how to tie my shoelaces, how to make lasagna, how to build a snowman and she is always there if I need to ask a recipe for crepes, if I need to know what clue to use to fix a broken coffee cup or if I need a place to stay in Finland for my holiday – but she must have been as lost as I was when I hit my teenage years because she never told me anything about stuff that really mattered. I have never told my mother I love her nor have I ever heard it from her. Feelings are a subject in my family that you don't talk about. If you are sad you go to your room and get over it, if you are happy you don't laugh too loud because you might upset someone.
So yeah, without going to too much details I had to navigate through having my very first periods to losing my virginity all by myself and it wasn't very pretty. I am one of those girls that you hear stories of who goes to the school nurse to ask if she is having a baby because she kissed a guy.
My first few relationships with guys weren't that great either. My first real boyfriend was a guy who ended up in prison later on (lucky I had already broken up with him at that point) but already when I was with him he was a real weirdo. He once beat up some of my friends and sometimes hit me as well… I remember calling my mother once when that had happened and my mother's response was "well, you probably deserved it…"
Since I moved to live on my own my life has started to make a lot more sense. I did have my crazy single life party party period but I soon realized that sleeping around with guys didn't mean that they loved me and one night stands just made me feel lonelier than I was before. I was still looking for something to fill an empty space in me and that surely wasn't the thing I was missing. I was cursed with being pretty which made it so easy for me to get a date to every day of the week and if you have too much of a good thing it no longer means anything to you. So there I was living my boring life in a boring little town when I found at least a little part of me that I was always missing. I was sick of my daily routines, the guys I hung out with, my family, my friends, everything, so I decided to leave and since then I have traveled basically around the world by myself and I have loved every second of it.
I think I am still a bit lost with my life… and not just a bit, a lot. I am in a stage where I should decide what I want to do for the rest of my life, or at least this is what the whole world around me is screaming at me, but to be completely honest, I don't think I am ready for that yet – I don't think I ever will be and it makes me a bit sad. I feel that I am screwing up my life as it happens and there is nothing I can do to help it… Twice now I have met the love of my life, my true soul mate, the person I know is the right one for me, and both times I have ended up breaking up with them because I am incapable of sharing my whole life with them. When I am put to that situation I panic and go to my shell which so far is impossible to break. To be left by someone who you truly love hurts a lot but to leave someone you love more that life hurts probably even more… uhm… ok, that's a bit deep now, I'd better stop it right there :P
ANYWAY… today's question… do we actually learn anything from our mistakes or do we just keep repeating them without realizing it?
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08 May 2007
No, no it's not all I do... Current mood: cranky
Ok, just to make it clear I actually do other things as well than just play online games, hehehe – what I meant is that it is a filler of the time when I don't do anything else. I could go on about my hair extensions that took hours to put on (they look soooo nice) or the Eurovision song contest that is broadcasted from Finland or about my breakfast yesterday when me and my friend were trying to have a picnic in a park but we got soaked because it suddenly started to rain. I think the time I log on to the game is when other people sit on their couch and watch TV… see, I don't do that at all. I did install me a satellite box to my new flat (yeah I moved on the weekend) and I only found some Muslim channels where there was a man dressed in a toga chanting something that sounded like a cow lost in the woods – I watched it like 5 minutes and turned the damn thing off, TV is such a waste of time.
Oh and I found this tiny jewelry shop last week that has everything on 50% sale, I am so excited about it – I already bought me some stuff and I think I will get me something else from there this week too. It's funny how only a year ago I said that I never wear jewelry and now I am crazy about anything that shines.
And when it comes to pubs, I don't really do them that much anymore – I do occasionally go out to see my friends for few drinks and like I said in my previous blog, I have had a great time, but I need to put everything on a scale really. Do I really want to spend one of my days off laying on my bed feeling sick because I was drinking the previous night, or do I want to get up in the morning, make me a cup of tea and start a day off feeling great and have a possibility to do whatever my heart desires? Call me old but I rather choose the 2nd option. When I have more days off…. Well… that's another story then.
But… I do have to say that I think I should put more of an effort into doing random things. I sometimes find myself stuck on my own routines. When I was living in Greece I had no entertainment in my flat what so ever. After I finished work I had to come up with things to do because otherwise I would have become a complete alcoholic (was working in a tourist resort). So I went walking on the hills to pick up flowers, I went to play cards with Apostolis (60+ Greek man) and Jeroen (35+ Dutch guy), I swam a lot, I went to movies alone…etc. and now… weekdays are all the same, I don't seem to have time for anything anymore. Well, I do blame crazy UK working hours though… 9h a day… what the f##k!!? I used to work 6.5h a day when I was living in Finland, I was a bit poorer but I think the quality of my life was so much better… I gotta get out of London. …And now that I think about it, I think I wasn't even that much poorer, London is just ridiculously expensive as well.
So… where should I move next, any suggestions?
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04 May 2007
Do you know what MMORPG means? Current mood: drained
Well, I just got an inspiration to write something here because it has been nearly 6 months since I have said anything in my blog….. I am actually drowning in work but I really can't be asked to do anything because it is Friday and well… ok…there really is no reason for that, I am just lazy.
I have been over loaded with work today so I decided not to do it… hehe.
Anyway, Life hasn't been very interesting since the last entry. I went to .. Finland for 2 weeks and yeah since then I have been clued to my laptop playing Final Fantasy XI… I know, all you un-nerdy friends that I have out there are thinking that I have lost it but there is something about online games (MMORPG in the geek (geek = me) language) that intrigues me.
When I bought the game in October I never thought that I would get so addicted to it and at first I was playing the game only few hours every other day. I found it relaxing to turn on the game after a day at work and just chat with other imaginary characters there who were leveling up their jobs or making some money so they could buy that new cool armor. Then I started staying on the game a bit longer because I wanted that one more level before I went to bed. Soon I noticed that I was up at 2 am on a work night slashing up some goblins so I could get that extra 100 experience points that I needed so I could FINALLY learn trick attack for my character. I started to use words like noob, afk, brt, omw, atm, cba…and so on in my everyday emails to my friends who replied "what you mean you are calling him atm?"
My Christmas holiday was a good break for me from the game, I had to be 2 weeks without turning on the game and I had to actually go out and talk to real people. I have to say, it was hard at first. I kept telling my friends that I started to level up my white mage in this game I bought a few months ago and to be frank no one really cared – and I can't blame them either, it doesn't mean much to a person who has never even heard of Final Fantasy.
After my rehab in Finland I got back to my flat and turned on my laptop again and BOOM I was back in the game, people in my linkshell (sort of a private chatroom for group of people) welcomed me back and I felt like I was home again.
So what is it that I like so much about this game? What brings me home to play the game instead of going out with my friends and have drinks in a pub? At first it was money. It cost me roughly £10 a month to play this game and believe me for that money you get all the entertainment you might want. You get to talk with strangers without having to be think that you are making a fool of yourself, you can kill monsters, you can gain new abilities, you can travel the world… you can make your character do anything – even fall in love and get married. So for the first few months I was telling myself that I play the game so much because I need to save money for my trip… and I did manage to save quite a bit (which I have already spent but that is another story…). But I think the real reason why I play the game so much (yes play, I still sit spend all my free time exploring the wonderful world of Vana'diel) is because it really is an escape from the real world. I have made really good friends there and it is so EASY. I don't have to go sit in a bus to go do something exciting with a friend of mine, I can just teleport myself to the other side of the world and start hacking things up.
Being a girl in a nerd world is like being a sexy super model in a boy's night out
You would be surprised how much you get attention only by being a girl playing games like this. At first I found it really flattering but after a while it turned against me and lots of people started to think that I was just using guys to gain stuff in the game. And I have to admit, I guess that is the obvious thing to think if you see a girl that all the guys want to help out and bring the moon from the sky. BUT for my defense I have to say that I never asked for that kind of attention and I didn't know how to take it, I didn't want to be rude when someone said that they wanted to help me get this and that.
I started chatting with a French guy who was obsessed with helping me get everything I wanted, I thought that it was very nice of him and was just doing the things that he advised me to do because I was very new to the game at that time and obviously didn't have a clue what to do in the first place. He used to wait at the spot where I had logged off the previous day, which was kind of freaky… He joined my linkshell (which he left later because someone disrespected him apparently). Then he started telling me that he wanted to marry my character… I told him that I don't really think much of online relationships and I think that kind of pissed him off. We still hung out together but he started to be busy and soon he decided to change the server he was on.
Around the same time I met this American guy who was on the game 24/7 because he had no other life (his words, not mine). He told me everything about his life and how depressed he was. His life really sounded like a nightmare and I don't really want to go to details with it but I truly felt sorry for the guy. I tried to cheer him up as much as I could but he kept falling deeper and deeper. It wasn't very easy because he was usually on a really bad mood and absolutely went mental if someone told him that he was wrong or not the best of the best. He started to sound a bit scary at one point because he kept telling me that I was the only good thing about his life. He started to get mad at me for not spending every minute of the time I was on the game with him. Then something happened and he disappeared from the game for a month or so. Apparently his internet connection had been cancelled because of the unpaid bills, so that was my escape from him. I know it sounds quite horrible but it was very stressful to be someone's therapist on the game and know that if you stopped talking to them they would go and jump off a building. I was worried about him when I didn't see him for a while, but there was little I could have done.
LoL this sounds like a list of all the guys I have dated or something but I just found it funny how many different stories there is to tell about the people you meet on the game. And just to make it clear, I never dated these guys, they were people I talked on the game – I don't even know how they looked like, I still don't.
ANYWAY, after this little episode I started to hang out with a guy from my linkshell. He was really funny and I really really liked him. If he hadn't been 10 years younger from me I would have asked him out in the real world. We were the absolute best friends and I loved hanging out with him. I even agreed to marry him in the game, but this was just because I thought it was something fun we could do together (we never did get married). I had no real feelings for him what so ever because I would have been branded as a pedophile for that… Little did I know that he was actually in love with me for real. So when the day came when I told him that I wasn't interested in him in that sense the whole hell broke lose. In public chat he was calling me a bitch who only used him to gain things and made his friend harass me to give him his money back (I never got any money from him btw.). I felt really sorry about this because he was the first person in the game I really considered as my friend and also because it triggered people in my linkshell to think that I always had a sugar daddy to get stuff for me.
This all happened only 3 months ago and now the guy who was madly in love with me has a girlfriend in the game… Actually to be honest I think he had a girlfriend the next day I had "dumped" him. Now I am more careful when it comes to letting people to help me because as they say, there is no thing called free lunch – even when it comes to simple online games. Since then I have made some real friends in the game – real friends meaning people I have actually met in real life and talk on a daily basis.
Conclusion…
And when it comes to playing the game now, I have cut it down and will cut it down even more now that the sun has started to shine a bit more. I still love turning on my laptop and escape from my daily routines to this fantasy world where anything is possible, but everything gets mundane sooner or later and I have noticed that the few times that I have actually taken the time to go out I have truly enjoyed myself. I did go to America for 2 weeks in April… I will tell about that some other time.
Hope you didn't fall asleep reading this.
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09 Aug 2007
LAST DAY AT WORK Current mood: excited
Omg, I am so excited... I never have to come here again!!!! GOOD BYE SUCKERS!!!
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07 Aug 2007
Countdown has started!!! Current mood: rushed
All riggggght… It's the last 3 days at Candywall for me (Candywall being my work). I don't know what to do with myself after Thursday – I have a week holiday in London before I fly to Finland. How should I use it
Well part of it will go to getting rid of my stuff and packing, but 7 days… I must do something because I might never live in London again.
I think one day I will wake up at 5 am and take a tube to Ealing Broadway – walk up the road where I used to live when I moved here… take pictures of everything and go eat at a steak sandwich at my favorite café. Then take a bus to Kingston, where I worked and made my first friends. Go buy a cheap shirt from Primark and go feed ducks near the river – and take pictures of everything.
Then I will take a bus number 57 to Wimbledon – ask my friend to come have a drink with me in the Prince of Wales, a place where we always used to go after work on Thursdays. If I still had time after that I would pop to the Sainsbury's where I used to go when I lived in South Wimbledon, buy ordinary groceries and take a bus 44 to my flat, the same bus I used to take always to work from there. I want to remember the everyday stuff I used to do here, not just the highlights.
In a way I feel kind of sad to leave London. It has been my home for nearly two years and I have grown fond of it. I know that where ever I go now I will hate the fact that there is not enough options and getting to places is too difficult compared to London. I know you probably just chuckled in your head "easy to get around, IN LONDON??" Well, in my opinion it is…
You have a great journey planner that tells you even how long it takes for you to walk from A to B and when you wait for a bus/tube/train you know that there will be one in the next 10 minutes – sometimes you might have to wait for longer but it will come eventually.
In my home town if you miss a bus you will have to wait for an hour for a next one or if you are going to for example where my mother lives you might not even have another bus coming after that, you have to wait until the next day. There are some really stupid things here as well that I will not miss (like how difficult some things have been made because of the terrorists or how a cup of coffee costs £2.50 [that's about $5]) and one thing that I will certainly not miss at all is the POLLUTION. I can't wait to get to my mum's place, wake up in the morning, step outside of the door and smell the grass that has been recently cut. Or the "clean" smoke that is coming from the chimney of the sauna we have in our garden OR flowers and the sand (yes sand has a particular smell to it). I wish one day I have tamed myself down a bit so I would be able to live in a place like that. Right now it is just a nice place to visit for a day or a week.
But anyway, I am still in London for a bit so lets concentrate on the good stuff. For now I gotta get back to work – have to at least look like I am working.
Adios!
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27 Jul 2007
the things I did - part1 Current mood: silly
Someone once asked me why I have never written down anything about my travels… and since now I have never thought about it. I have kept a diary all my life but I have never written about things that I have actually done, but rather the feelings and thoughts that were going through my mind at the time.
So far I could have written about the trips my mother me and my sister had when I was a kid. We went to several, now classified as cheesy, tourist resorts around Europe which made my view of the world very twisted. And here again I almost started to elaborate on how it made me look at the world, but lets keep that in the diary, shall we… If I ever publish my biography it will be this, which will be called: "The things I did" and then there will be another book called "The thoughts I thought" which will ultimately be my diary – would double the money as well, because naturally it would be a bestseller.
Ok… so what else have I done in my life worth writing? Well… I could tell about the trip to Stockholm where I left a note written with my lipstick saying "I am sorry I can't stay" (… I was meeting a guy I had met a year before and felt very uncomfortable meeting him again because I was shallow kid who didn't understand anything about world at that time).
Or I could write a book only about the time when I flew to Australia and managed to live there for 6 months with no money at all. Funny thing is that I have pushed that time from my mind a bit; I can't remember much of what I did there… It wasn't the brightest 6 months of my life and quite far away from holiday. I remember being really anxious and scared most of the time. I was lost and found comfort from a person who actually listened to me and helped me through the darkness - And yes, more about that will be in my diary.
After Australia I had my Finland period for a long time. No trips except a few holidays to Spain and one funky drinking holiday to Cyprus, but these were just holidays, not really experiences in such. I know that probably sounds really arrogant since some people never leave the country but we all live our lives differently and make our own sacrifices – I don't have a degree, real friends nor family of my own but I have woken up in a Greek family gathering, climbed Chichén Itzá, seen a stone fish 1 meter away, ask directions in Spanish (which I don't speak), faked train tickets and used insurance card as an ID to leave a country… My point is… lol… MY POINT IS…. Stop writing about nonsense you silly girl… back to the point, which is the TRIPS!!!
So, the next big thing in my life must have been the time when I found a job add that wanted people to go work in Greece in a hotel as an entertainer. Crazy times and lots of emotions. Imagine being thrown in to a huge hotel with lots of tourists pouring in everyday and you are alone responsible of them having a good time and coming up with things for people who decide to stay in the hotel to do. In theory that sounds like fun… but standing in front of a group of people staring at you because you are trying to sound funny is quite far away from fun. Or playing volley ball in the pool for the 50th time that week, or getting beaten up by arrogant 8 year old brat and their mother laughing how cute their little Bryan is OR getting drunk every single night with the guests because you weren't allowed to say no if a customer wanted to buy a drink.
I quit working for the company after a while and ended up on the street for a day in a completely strange country – luck was on my side again when I was in a middle of a huge chaos. Managed to find me a new job and a flat and the rest of the time in Greece was somewhat interesting rather than insane.
After Greece I had a face of traveling to Europe a bit, UK, Holland, Belgium. Then I had my crazy eastern Europe month with a guy who threatened to kill me on several occasions. Visited some impressive places like Auschwitz and Tatra mountains – I am still planning to go back there… one day.
So finally about 2 years ago I traveled to Mexico where I was for 2 months. Mexico was very pretty but I was going through something in my life that I can't quite identify so the experience wasn't the best but I have to say that the most beautiful things I have ever seen I found from there… A year later from that I moved to London, where I am still stuck. Before that I had a little 2 month excursion to Spain and Portugal with a friend of mine which probably was the most fun I have ever had… But yeah, like I said… I am still in London, but in 3 weeks I will leave. I will go to Finland and then I will fly to USA…… but like I said the emotional part will follow after I have made these stories into a book.
And yes, I did write this down juts as a reminder that I have to do this one day.
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25 Jul 2007
IDEA!!! Current mood: busy
Hey wouldn't it be cool if you could have all the stuff you own stored on a computer file. Like all the unnecessary paper that is in the world. Why can't banks send/accept cheques on an electronic form, or shops have gift vouchers that you could just print off when you need it or send the discount code to your phone or something. (This idea is inspired by the mountain of paper I went through last night in my room and still I didn't find the discount thingy for the United Airlines). I am sure there are ways to prevent people from misusing it but it seems that everything needs to be always done by writing… like changing a phone number to the details of the operators at work, what utter BS
And this thought made me think… wouldn't it be cool if you could have EVERYTHING you own stored on a computer file and when you needed something you could just materialize it. Like in the end of the day you de-materialize the clothes you wore for the day and in the morning just get new, clean clothes with a press of a button. Or you could do grocery shopping online and when you start cooking you could just materialize the stuff from the computer. With the gene experiments they have done so far I don't see this being completely crazy idea, I am actually quite sure that one day that is possible.
But just imagine how this invention would help the world. I won't even go into to the recycling possibilities or instant messaging (meaning sending something solid to someone on the other side of the world) but just THINK about how that would make a difference in my room? Now it is packed with stuff that I probably didn't even remember having – I could just do "format room:" and it would be empty!!
I actually remember reading somewhere that scientists have already managed to teleport a beam of light from one place to another so who knows maybe one day we have a major storage station in Mars and we can just teleport all the stuff mentioned above from there. CRAZY WORLD! Now I want to cryopreserve myself and see if this ever happens… SOMEONE FREEZE ME!!!!
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13 Jul 2007
I need a change... Current mood: contemplative
Haven't been writing here for a while again.
Been a bit boring to be honest... The summer has really sucked in UK this year - it has suprise suprise been raining like solid 2 months now - We have had a few sunny days but that's usually when I am at work and when I go on my lunch break there is a little thunderstorm (typical).
I am seriously getting tired of London. I hate my roommates with a passion - I know this is going to sound really racist but I never want to live with German people again - they are pain in the ass.
I have been trying to find me a job from USA... I already have gotten a few responses, but nothing has been confirmed yet. Todays question for me has been wether I should just quit my current job NOW or wait for few weeks... I say I should quit it now but my other side of the brain is chickening out. HELP!
Oh and btw, i saw the new Harry Potter movie yesterday - it was AWESOME!
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24 May 2007
this is actually an email to a friend of mine... :P Current mood: lazy
Hi
How's your week been?
I went for few drinks last night with Dan from work and maaaaaan, I am so tired now. I don't get it, I went to bed the same time as usual but I guess the alcopop takes the energy away so fast. AND I haven't been eating much lately, I really gotta start watching my eating… seriously I haven't made dinner for like 2 weeks… just been eating carrots and a sandwich occasionally and those salads – but I am so determined to get rid of the weight I have put on since I moved to UK. I want my life back and 1st time for a LONG time I actually feel that I am living my life again.
I cycled to work yesterday and I was actually surprised how quick it was… Even though I stopped to look at the map every once in a while and was going majorly slow, I was at work on time and it took me only like 25 mins. I am sure that when I start doing it every day it will take me like 15 mins tops. It just takes FOREVER to take the bike out of the building…
And oh man, I almost crashed to a car as well… The steering wheel (or whatever you call it on a bike) got loose (!!!!!!!!!) and it was basically pointing to a completely different direction from the wheel for a minute… That was very interesting because I was cycling on a busy road at that point. I gotta find some tool to fix it, because it keeps going loose all the time if my wheel hits a side of the pavement or something… you know, one day I am sure it will just come off and I will have a BIG accident – lucky I have the insurance now. And when I was cycling to Clapham Junction in the evening some dick opened their car window and yelled at me "what the f##k are you doing?" … Mind you I was just cycling in front of them like cyclists do if there is no cycle path, I answered with some sign language.
But besides that I haven't really done much since we last saw and I showed you my magnificent poi skills. I was supposed to get some drinks with Miia today but I just realized that I have only £40 on my account for the rest of the month so I think I will give it a miss because I AM GOING TO A MISSION on the weekend (to Cardiff that is).
Can you believe … I think we will go CAMPING!!! Me in a tent… ugh.
But anyway, I gotta go now, Have to at least pretend to be working.
Happy Thursday!!! And guess what… TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!
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15 May 2007
To go out in London (Do you need to be a millionaire?) Current mood: full
First of all, I don't go out much because I am constantly trying to save money so I can escape this city of stress and secondly… HAVE YOU SEEN THE AMOUNT OF CALORIES ONLY 1 COCKTAIL HAS!!!??? Honestly 4 cocktails and your calories intake for the day is up.
But lets see how much I can easily spend on a night out in London.
To get nice clothes in London is luckily quite cheap. If you take a bus out of zone 1 you can find lots of little shops selling clothes that look nice and even last you more than a week. Then there are places like Primark and H&M that sell nice looking clothes pretty cheap but they don't last that long, I tend to avoid these places, but sometimes you just can't avoid that "T-SHIRTS £1.50" sign… But anyway, you can get a really nice outfit for the night for like £50 from e.g. TKmaxx (which is my favourite shop in the world). Girls pay attention TKmaxx sells clothes from FCUK, Calvin Klein, Billabong, Morgan…etc etc half the price (or even cheaper) and they are the real thing, not some cheap copies. Who knows why, but I love it!!! So yeah… £50 for some nice clothes… maybe extra £10 for some bling bling to make it look nice, £30 for some high heals… Ok, so far I have spent £90 – I probably found a nice set of underwear as well so lets make it £100.
Now at this point you think "why do you have to buy new clothes to go out?" well let me tell you… In London you don't wear the same clothes to go out you wore last weekend, you just don't – end of story.
I won't mention all the money I have spent on make up, hair extensions, manicure because these are things you pay for anyway…
So yeah, you are home and it's 9pm and ready to go out… now wait a minute… IN UK YOU ARE NOT HOME AT 9PM because most places already close at 11pm. So yeah… it's 6pm and you are home ready to go out. If you are lucky to live in the zone 1 (yeah right) you can just walk to the coolest pubs in your neighborhood but if you are not you will probably end up taking a tube or a bus (Add travelcard £6).
So you meet up with your friends in a pub on zone 1 which is known for ridiculously expensive drinks… now why did we have to go all the way there to be robbed off our money and get pushed around by the hordes of tourists? Who knows, but it's not really going out in London if you go out somewhere in the outskirts where instead of groovy music videos you see arsenal play against west ham (football [or soccer you ignorant Americans] that is) on the TV.
So a glass of wine – "5 pounds thank you". At this point I always walk to the table and realize that it would have been actually cheaper to buy a bottle instead of a glass, but too late now – so next round: a bottle of wine £15.
When the bottle is empty I usually decide to go home cos I either feel tired or sick or both, but lets say that today was the day that I wasn't feeling either and that friend I haven't seen for AGES just convinced me to continue the night. So we decide to go to another bar for one more drink but this time we go for pink margaritas and 2 shots of something green for both of us and because this is the time of the night when I am feeling the love of the world and I just happened to get me a new flashy credit card THE ROUND IS ON ME… so that's about £20.
"What you mean we are not on the guest list? Don't you know who I am?" ….
So yeah, next thing on our "to do list" is to queue to a nightclub. I am never on VIP list, why? Well beats me, I am a hidden star I guess.
And wow…. There is a special event tonight and the entry fee is only £25 …aren't we lucky. So we managed to get in to the club where my friends comb is confiscated at the security check because she could, according to the big black man in a black suit, stab someone with it (hey at least to me it sounds a bit odd…)
The club is quite full but there are quite a few empty tables and seats, a place to my liking – I can dance and sit down whenever I want to – why can't they always be like this?
At this point I am feeling already so drunk that I don't want more alcohol for a while, a bottle of water will do… WHAT!!!!! £3.50 for a bottle of water??? well f#ck me…
We dance the night away with my girlfriend and sooner or later it's time to visit the ladies room. Luckily this time the queue for the bowl of relief is not that bad… only like 5 girls in front of us. We squeeze to the toilet at the same time with my friend to save time and in no time we are fixing our make up in front of the mirrors. "Here's a towel miss" I hear a depressed voice say behind me as I am washing my hands. These women literally spend their nights in the toilets of nightclubs giving towels to women who wash their hands. There is a wide variety of perfumes, hairsprays, makeup ….etc. for you to use free of charge – only thing then is that you are obliged to give her a tip and I always end up doing so because I feel sorry for these girls… (I know I shouldn't they probably make a fortune there, but I can't help it) so yeah, I empty my wallet of coins to her – must be like £2-3. So now we are refreshed and back on the dance floor… my new shoes have started to have a life of their own and I really feel like sitting down, but hey I remember seeing those empty seats when we came into the club – and yes they are still free!!!! We sit down with my friend and as we are starting to get comfortable a Britney Spears look-alike comes to us and tells to move because it is her seat. Naturally I start to argue back saying that there was no one there and we were there first. Well, little did I know that you can actually RENT the seats in a nightclub for you to use because this Miss I have it all goes and gets the security guard who comes to tell us to move from their seats. Apparently to rent a seat for 2 for the night starts from £600…
After realizing that I had forgotten my unopened bottle of water in to the toilet I am quite ready to leave this over packed meat market. The last tube home left like 15 minutes ago so night bus it is…
90% chance is that I ended up taking the wrong bus because I thought it was quicker and had to take a taxi from there, extra £20 for my night's budget and I probably went to that 24h McDonald's…add £4.
So let's see how much I spent to be able to spend the following day in bed feeling sorry for myself. That's roughly £200 and that is me NOT spending that much. I could easily keep buying drinks in the club as well or go eat before clubbing.
Call me an old fart but I really don't want to go out in London EVER unless it is a gig or just a quiet few drinks in a local pub. Honestly those trendy clubs make me physically ill and I don't understand why you would torture yourself by going in one. Getting completely smashed (that's' if you want to get smashed) in a park with a group of friends and a portable CD player with pc speakers bring me so much more joy than a dance floor packed with sweaty strangers – I probably would end up spending like £180 less on it as well.
So yeah… THIS is why I don't go out anymore.
SHUT UP you 18 years olds, I don't care what you have to say – let me quietly grow old…
13:07 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
10 May 2007
wtf - another post??!! Current mood: creative
I know, world has gone crazy – I think I have never been updating my blog so regularly.
But you know, when I was a teenager I was writing to my diary nearly every day. I was such an angry girl 10 years ago. I wrote heart breaking poems, painted psychedelic paintings, wore black clothes to match my hair and make up and in every way was sure that I was alone in the world and no one cared about me. I will try to find a picture of me from that time, but I don't think it will be easy because I didn't want people to take pictures of me.
But anyway, the entries I have made to my diaries are hard to read now, there are many pages dedicated to my dad who I wanted to die in the most horrible ways (and by the way, my dad wasn't that bad – it is a long story which I might share someday) and there are sad stories of me trying to fit in to the world, find someone to love me, someone to care… and I have been so lost with no one telling me how to do things and what was right and what was wrong.
I have a great mother, she has given me life, taught me how to tie my shoelaces, how to make lasagna, how to build a snowman and she is always there if I need to ask a recipe for crepes, if I need to know what clue to use to fix a broken coffee cup or if I need a place to stay in Finland for my holiday – but she must have been as lost as I was when I hit my teenage years because she never told me anything about stuff that really mattered. I have never told my mother I love her nor have I ever heard it from her. Feelings are a subject in my family that you don't talk about. If you are sad you go to your room and get over it, if you are happy you don't laugh too loud because you might upset someone.
So yeah, without going to too much details I had to navigate through having my very first periods to losing my virginity all by myself and it wasn't very pretty. I am one of those girls that you hear stories of who goes to the school nurse to ask if she is having a baby because she kissed a guy.
My first few relationships with guys weren't that great either. My first real boyfriend was a guy who ended up in prison later on (lucky I had already broken up with him at that point) but already when I was with him he was a real weirdo. He once beat up some of my friends and sometimes hit me as well… I remember calling my mother once when that had happened and my mother's response was "well, you probably deserved it…"
Since I moved to live on my own my life has started to make a lot more sense. I did have my crazy single life party party period but I soon realized that sleeping around with guys didn't mean that they loved me and one night stands just made me feel lonelier than I was before. I was still looking for something to fill an empty space in me and that surely wasn't the thing I was missing. I was cursed with being pretty which made it so easy for me to get a date to every day of the week and if you have too much of a good thing it no longer means anything to you. So there I was living my boring life in a boring little town when I found at least a little part of me that I was always missing. I was sick of my daily routines, the guys I hung out with, my family, my friends, everything, so I decided to leave and since then I have traveled basically around the world by myself and I have loved every second of it.
I think I am still a bit lost with my life… and not just a bit, a lot. I am in a stage where I should decide what I want to do for the rest of my life, or at least this is what the whole world around me is screaming at me, but to be completely honest, I don't think I am ready for that yet – I don't think I ever will be and it makes me a bit sad. I feel that I am screwing up my life as it happens and there is nothing I can do to help it… Twice now I have met the love of my life, my true soul mate, the person I know is the right one for me, and both times I have ended up breaking up with them because I am incapable of sharing my whole life with them. When I am put to that situation I panic and go to my shell which so far is impossible to break. To be left by someone who you truly love hurts a lot but to leave someone you love more that life hurts probably even more… uhm… ok, that's a bit deep now, I'd better stop it right there :P
ANYWAY… today's question… do we actually learn anything from our mistakes or do we just keep repeating them without realizing it?
14:03 - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
08 May 2007
No, no it's not all I do... Current mood: cranky
Ok, just to make it clear I actually do other things as well than just play online games, hehehe – what I meant is that it is a filler of the time when I don't do anything else. I could go on about my hair extensions that took hours to put on (they look soooo nice) or the Eurovision song contest that is broadcasted from Finland or about my breakfast yesterday when me and my friend were trying to have a picnic in a park but we got soaked because it suddenly started to rain. I think the time I log on to the game is when other people sit on their couch and watch TV… see, I don't do that at all. I did install me a satellite box to my new flat (yeah I moved on the weekend) and I only found some Muslim channels where there was a man dressed in a toga chanting something that sounded like a cow lost in the woods – I watched it like 5 minutes and turned the damn thing off, TV is such a waste of time.
Oh and I found this tiny jewelry shop last week that has everything on 50% sale, I am so excited about it – I already bought me some stuff and I think I will get me something else from there this week too. It's funny how only a year ago I said that I never wear jewelry and now I am crazy about anything that shines.
And when it comes to pubs, I don't really do them that much anymore – I do occasionally go out to see my friends for few drinks and like I said in my previous blog, I have had a great time, but I need to put everything on a scale really. Do I really want to spend one of my days off laying on my bed feeling sick because I was drinking the previous night, or do I want to get up in the morning, make me a cup of tea and start a day off feeling great and have a possibility to do whatever my heart desires? Call me old but I rather choose the 2nd option. When I have more days off…. Well… that's another story then.
But… I do have to say that I think I should put more of an effort into doing random things. I sometimes find myself stuck on my own routines. When I was living in Greece I had no entertainment in my flat what so ever. After I finished work I had to come up with things to do because otherwise I would have become a complete alcoholic (was working in a tourist resort). So I went walking on the hills to pick up flowers, I went to play cards with Apostolis (60+ Greek man) and Jeroen (35+ Dutch guy), I swam a lot, I went to movies alone…etc. and now… weekdays are all the same, I don't seem to have time for anything anymore. Well, I do blame crazy UK working hours though… 9h a day… what the f##k!!? I used to work 6.5h a day when I was living in Finland, I was a bit poorer but I think the quality of my life was so much better… I gotta get out of London. …And now that I think about it, I think I wasn't even that much poorer, London is just ridiculously expensive as well.
So… where should I move next, any suggestions?
10:19 - 3 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
04 May 2007
Do you know what MMORPG means? Current mood: drained
Well, I just got an inspiration to write something here because it has been nearly 6 months since I have said anything in my blog….. I am actually drowning in work but I really can't be asked to do anything because it is Friday and well… ok…there really is no reason for that, I am just lazy.
I have been over loaded with work today so I decided not to do it… hehe.
Anyway, Life hasn't been very interesting since the last entry. I went to .. Finland for 2 weeks and yeah since then I have been clued to my laptop playing Final Fantasy XI… I know, all you un-nerdy friends that I have out there are thinking that I have lost it but there is something about online games (MMORPG in the geek (geek = me) language) that intrigues me.
When I bought the game in October I never thought that I would get so addicted to it and at first I was playing the game only few hours every other day. I found it relaxing to turn on the game after a day at work and just chat with other imaginary characters there who were leveling up their jobs or making some money so they could buy that new cool armor. Then I started staying on the game a bit longer because I wanted that one more level before I went to bed. Soon I noticed that I was up at 2 am on a work night slashing up some goblins so I could get that extra 100 experience points that I needed so I could FINALLY learn trick attack for my character. I started to use words like noob, afk, brt, omw, atm, cba…and so on in my everyday emails to my friends who replied "what you mean you are calling him atm?"
My Christmas holiday was a good break for me from the game, I had to be 2 weeks without turning on the game and I had to actually go out and talk to real people. I have to say, it was hard at first. I kept telling my friends that I started to level up my white mage in this game I bought a few months ago and to be frank no one really cared – and I can't blame them either, it doesn't mean much to a person who has never even heard of Final Fantasy.
After my rehab in Finland I got back to my flat and turned on my laptop again and BOOM I was back in the game, people in my linkshell (sort of a private chatroom for group of people) welcomed me back and I felt like I was home again.
So what is it that I like so much about this game? What brings me home to play the game instead of going out with my friends and have drinks in a pub? At first it was money. It cost me roughly £10 a month to play this game and believe me for that money you get all the entertainment you might want. You get to talk with strangers without having to be think that you are making a fool of yourself, you can kill monsters, you can gain new abilities, you can travel the world… you can make your character do anything – even fall in love and get married. So for the first few months I was telling myself that I play the game so much because I need to save money for my trip… and I did manage to save quite a bit (which I have already spent but that is another story…). But I think the real reason why I play the game so much (yes play, I still sit spend all my free time exploring the wonderful world of Vana'diel) is because it really is an escape from the real world. I have made really good friends there and it is so EASY. I don't have to go sit in a bus to go do something exciting with a friend of mine, I can just teleport myself to the other side of the world and start hacking things up.
Being a girl in a nerd world is like being a sexy super model in a boy's night out
You would be surprised how much you get attention only by being a girl playing games like this. At first I found it really flattering but after a while it turned against me and lots of people started to think that I was just using guys to gain stuff in the game. And I have to admit, I guess that is the obvious thing to think if you see a girl that all the guys want to help out and bring the moon from the sky. BUT for my defense I have to say that I never asked for that kind of attention and I didn't know how to take it, I didn't want to be rude when someone said that they wanted to help me get this and that.
I started chatting with a French guy who was obsessed with helping me get everything I wanted, I thought that it was very nice of him and was just doing the things that he advised me to do because I was very new to the game at that time and obviously didn't have a clue what to do in the first place. He used to wait at the spot where I had logged off the previous day, which was kind of freaky… He joined my linkshell (which he left later because someone disrespected him apparently). Then he started telling me that he wanted to marry my character… I told him that I don't really think much of online relationships and I think that kind of pissed him off. We still hung out together but he started to be busy and soon he decided to change the server he was on.
Around the same time I met this American guy who was on the game 24/7 because he had no other life (his words, not mine). He told me everything about his life and how depressed he was. His life really sounded like a nightmare and I don't really want to go to details with it but I truly felt sorry for the guy. I tried to cheer him up as much as I could but he kept falling deeper and deeper. It wasn't very easy because he was usually on a really bad mood and absolutely went mental if someone told him that he was wrong or not the best of the best. He started to sound a bit scary at one point because he kept telling me that I was the only good thing about his life. He started to get mad at me for not spending every minute of the time I was on the game with him. Then something happened and he disappeared from the game for a month or so. Apparently his internet connection had been cancelled because of the unpaid bills, so that was my escape from him. I know it sounds quite horrible but it was very stressful to be someone's therapist on the game and know that if you stopped talking to them they would go and jump off a building. I was worried about him when I didn't see him for a while, but there was little I could have done.
LoL this sounds like a list of all the guys I have dated or something but I just found it funny how many different stories there is to tell about the people you meet on the game. And just to make it clear, I never dated these guys, they were people I talked on the game – I don't even know how they looked like, I still don't.
ANYWAY, after this little episode I started to hang out with a guy from my linkshell. He was really funny and I really really liked him. If he hadn't been 10 years younger from me I would have asked him out in the real world. We were the absolute best friends and I loved hanging out with him. I even agreed to marry him in the game, but this was just because I thought it was something fun we could do together (we never did get married). I had no real feelings for him what so ever because I would have been branded as a pedophile for that… Little did I know that he was actually in love with me for real. So when the day came when I told him that I wasn't interested in him in that sense the whole hell broke lose. In public chat he was calling me a bitch who only used him to gain things and made his friend harass me to give him his money back (I never got any money from him btw.). I felt really sorry about this because he was the first person in the game I really considered as my friend and also because it triggered people in my linkshell to think that I always had a sugar daddy to get stuff for me.
This all happened only 3 months ago and now the guy who was madly in love with me has a girlfriend in the game… Actually to be honest I think he had a girlfriend the next day I had "dumped" him. Now I am more careful when it comes to letting people to help me because as they say, there is no thing called free lunch – even when it comes to simple online games. Since then I have made some real friends in the game – real friends meaning people I have actually met in real life and talk on a daily basis.
Conclusion…
And when it comes to playing the game now, I have cut it down and will cut it down even more now that the sun has started to shine a bit more. I still love turning on my laptop and escape from my daily routines to this fantasy world where anything is possible, but everything gets mundane sooner or later and I have noticed that the few times that I have actually taken the time to go out I have truly enjoyed myself. I did go to America for 2 weeks in April… I will tell about that some other time.
Hope you didn't fall asleep reading this.
13:34 - 3 Comments - 2 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove
Update
Yeah so thing's will be a bit messed up for a bit in this Blog because I have been copying and pasting stuff from various places... but it will soon make sense, at least to me. But this post has actually been written on the day it says on the top.
Let's make a brief update to my life.
So... about 7 months ago I took most of my stuff to charity and moved to US for 3 months. My plan was to stay there longer but well.. life got in the way and I had to leave. I wish I had never gone there, I literally got nothing out of being there - just lots of debt and bad memories. America is not a place for me.... I quite liked having 600 TV channels though lol. People often wonder why I don't talk about my time there, but the fact is that I just didn't do anything worth mentioning there. Well, I went to the Universal Studios in LA which was great fun and hung out with my boyfriend at the time which in a way was fun too but scarred me bad because basically we were just too different from each other. I hung on to him for a long time because for a while now I have been longing for a normal life and I thought I could stay in US and have that with him, but I think in many ways I was just in love with his words (he promised me the moon from the sky) and not with the person he was. To be completely honest I am still trying to over come all that went on in my life back then.
In the end of November last year (2007) I had to leave US and I had no idea what I was going to do because I only had a flight to London and I didn't have anything there waiting for me. I cried more than I ever have the last weeks in US because I was so afraid that I was going to end up on the streets. I had no money what so ever and my US boyfriend was incabable of helping me out (where was that moon from the sky he had promised me???). Luckily I had at least one good and dear friend in this world that bought me a flight from London to Helsinki and I was able to go stay with my friends in Finland. The luck was on my side again because the folowing day that I had arrived in Finland I got a job from a local store as a seasonal sales assistant and I was able to get me some much needed money.
So December I was living in my home town in Finland, hanging out with my old friends, seeing my mother a lot and basically getting myself little by little dragged back to normal life. It was very good break for me and a chance to get to know myself a bit.
I had made a decision of going back to London in January and I even booked a ticket to do so, but when the day came that I was supposed to have left I completely broke down. I remember sitting on the floor at my friends flat just crying and shaking because I was so afraid. I felt that my time was up in Finland, that I didn't really belong there anymore and I had nothing waiting for me in London either, not even a job. My friends had promised that I could stay at theirs until I found something but for some reason the option sounded very scary.
So I missed my flight... now what?
I slept over the night and the next day I was feeling a lot happier and decided to get a grip of my life. I booked me another ticket for the folowing day and made sure I wouldn't chicken out that time. I got to London and was so happy to see my friends and I love them to bits for letting me stay at their place for few nights. Quite quickly I found me a room where I was able to stay for 2 months - I was living with a family that was from Mauritius. They had 2 very sweet children and all in all they were very nice people. I did some temporary work to keep the cash flowing in and soon went for 2 interviews for permanent jobs. Well... funnily enough they both wanted to hire me and I had a hard time deciding which one to go for, but eventually the one that promised me more money got my interest.
I was waiting for the pay day like rising moon because I literally had no money for anything... I was stealing fruits from the family I was living with ... (well ok they said that I can eat them...) and I had to stay home for 3 days on the last week because I didn't have money to get me a travelcard. I had asked ALL my friends to lend me money and everyone said that they couldn't help me... cheers guys - I know who my true friends are now.
Well... incase my life wasn't hard enough at that point the destiny decided to spice it up a bit.
The day we were supposed to have gotten paid we heard that the unit that was supposed to pay our wages had gone bankcrupt.... I was like WTF!!!!! when I heard that because I had to move out of the "Mautitius house" 2 days after our pay day. I had a flat lined up for me already and I was supposed to go pay the deposit on my payday. Naturally I lost the flat and on saturday morning, the 1st of March I was kicked out from my old house as well. I asked the family if I could have stayed longer but they had lots of people coming over to stay in the room I had been living in so it was streets for me. It didn't make things any better that I had a bounding headache from the drinks my work mates had bought me the previous night.
I am very proud of myself for not falling into despair and finding out a way to save my own life because I was in a very tough situation and basically it had been made very clear to me that no one would help me.
I know I never thought I would say this but THANK GOD FOR THE QUICK CASH/PAYDAY LOANS! Bank wasnt giving me a loan and I was desperate to get some money. I surfed probably all the sites in the world that would lend me money and in the end of the day I had £700 on my account - I think it was pretty impressive. Ok, so I had money but I was still on the street and didn't know where I would go sleep for the night. The friends that accomodated me when I came to London was away from home and no one else could have really given me a place to stay. I went online and flicked through some adds for flats and only called one place which I went to see the same day and moved in the same day as well. It was amazing and I am still wondering how everything turned out. Someone asked me later on if I believed in God and I have to say that if that wasn't a miracle then nothing is, I truly have an angel looking after me, I am so positive of that.
Well, it is a month later now and we still haven't been paid. A different unit is taking care of our pays now and they did write an emergency cheque to everyone which would cover everyone's urgent payments but apparently that will be deducted from our wages in the next 6 months.
My life is starting to calm down a bit and after a long time I can see the sun shining behind the gray clouds that have been covering my life for a very long time.
I have found myself smiling for no reason while queueing for food from the cafeteria and humming a song while walking home from the bus stop. I have turned that page now and I think I will finally start to write the story called "the rest of my life". I never want to go through the shit I have been going through for the past year and it all has been self inflicted. I have been doing things just because "I WANT TO" without wondering if it was something I truly wanted.
I'm still just a half a person of what I could be but now I know that I will be full one day and maybe then I can take care of someone else as well. - I can always dream.
Let's make a brief update to my life.
So... about 7 months ago I took most of my stuff to charity and moved to US for 3 months. My plan was to stay there longer but well.. life got in the way and I had to leave. I wish I had never gone there, I literally got nothing out of being there - just lots of debt and bad memories. America is not a place for me.... I quite liked having 600 TV channels though lol. People often wonder why I don't talk about my time there, but the fact is that I just didn't do anything worth mentioning there. Well, I went to the Universal Studios in LA which was great fun and hung out with my boyfriend at the time which in a way was fun too but scarred me bad because basically we were just too different from each other. I hung on to him for a long time because for a while now I have been longing for a normal life and I thought I could stay in US and have that with him, but I think in many ways I was just in love with his words (he promised me the moon from the sky) and not with the person he was. To be completely honest I am still trying to over come all that went on in my life back then.
In the end of November last year (2007) I had to leave US and I had no idea what I was going to do because I only had a flight to London and I didn't have anything there waiting for me. I cried more than I ever have the last weeks in US because I was so afraid that I was going to end up on the streets. I had no money what so ever and my US boyfriend was incabable of helping me out (where was that moon from the sky he had promised me???). Luckily I had at least one good and dear friend in this world that bought me a flight from London to Helsinki and I was able to go stay with my friends in Finland. The luck was on my side again because the folowing day that I had arrived in Finland I got a job from a local store as a seasonal sales assistant and I was able to get me some much needed money.
So December I was living in my home town in Finland, hanging out with my old friends, seeing my mother a lot and basically getting myself little by little dragged back to normal life. It was very good break for me and a chance to get to know myself a bit.
I had made a decision of going back to London in January and I even booked a ticket to do so, but when the day came that I was supposed to have left I completely broke down. I remember sitting on the floor at my friends flat just crying and shaking because I was so afraid. I felt that my time was up in Finland, that I didn't really belong there anymore and I had nothing waiting for me in London either, not even a job. My friends had promised that I could stay at theirs until I found something but for some reason the option sounded very scary.
So I missed my flight... now what?
I slept over the night and the next day I was feeling a lot happier and decided to get a grip of my life. I booked me another ticket for the folowing day and made sure I wouldn't chicken out that time. I got to London and was so happy to see my friends and I love them to bits for letting me stay at their place for few nights. Quite quickly I found me a room where I was able to stay for 2 months - I was living with a family that was from Mauritius. They had 2 very sweet children and all in all they were very nice people. I did some temporary work to keep the cash flowing in and soon went for 2 interviews for permanent jobs. Well... funnily enough they both wanted to hire me and I had a hard time deciding which one to go for, but eventually the one that promised me more money got my interest.
I was waiting for the pay day like rising moon because I literally had no money for anything... I was stealing fruits from the family I was living with ... (well ok they said that I can eat them...) and I had to stay home for 3 days on the last week because I didn't have money to get me a travelcard. I had asked ALL my friends to lend me money and everyone said that they couldn't help me... cheers guys - I know who my true friends are now.
Well... incase my life wasn't hard enough at that point the destiny decided to spice it up a bit.
The day we were supposed to have gotten paid we heard that the unit that was supposed to pay our wages had gone bankcrupt.... I was like WTF!!!!! when I heard that because I had to move out of the "Mautitius house" 2 days after our pay day. I had a flat lined up for me already and I was supposed to go pay the deposit on my payday. Naturally I lost the flat and on saturday morning, the 1st of March I was kicked out from my old house as well. I asked the family if I could have stayed longer but they had lots of people coming over to stay in the room I had been living in so it was streets for me. It didn't make things any better that I had a bounding headache from the drinks my work mates had bought me the previous night.
I am very proud of myself for not falling into despair and finding out a way to save my own life because I was in a very tough situation and basically it had been made very clear to me that no one would help me.
I know I never thought I would say this but THANK GOD FOR THE QUICK CASH/PAYDAY LOANS! Bank wasnt giving me a loan and I was desperate to get some money. I surfed probably all the sites in the world that would lend me money and in the end of the day I had £700 on my account - I think it was pretty impressive. Ok, so I had money but I was still on the street and didn't know where I would go sleep for the night. The friends that accomodated me when I came to London was away from home and no one else could have really given me a place to stay. I went online and flicked through some adds for flats and only called one place which I went to see the same day and moved in the same day as well. It was amazing and I am still wondering how everything turned out. Someone asked me later on if I believed in God and I have to say that if that wasn't a miracle then nothing is, I truly have an angel looking after me, I am so positive of that.
Well, it is a month later now and we still haven't been paid. A different unit is taking care of our pays now and they did write an emergency cheque to everyone which would cover everyone's urgent payments but apparently that will be deducted from our wages in the next 6 months.
My life is starting to calm down a bit and after a long time I can see the sun shining behind the gray clouds that have been covering my life for a very long time.
I have found myself smiling for no reason while queueing for food from the cafeteria and humming a song while walking home from the bus stop. I have turned that page now and I think I will finally start to write the story called "the rest of my life". I never want to go through the shit I have been going through for the past year and it all has been self inflicted. I have been doing things just because "I WANT TO" without wondering if it was something I truly wanted.
I'm still just a half a person of what I could be but now I know that I will be full one day and maybe then I can take care of someone else as well. - I can always dream.
Fantasy
About 18 months ago my boyfriend bought me a game. We had always been big fans of Final Fantasy games and this one was an online game made out of the series.He had thought that it could be something fun we could have done together but could he have been more wrong... Now next few paragraphs will be about online gaming, so in case you don't like games, go skip in a park or something...
I had never played online games before so I was a bit out of it and didn't know what to do. I remember creating a cool looking male character and run around in a town getting frustrated because I didn't know which buttons to press. After a little while I decided to delete that character and create a female character, since I am a girl in rl as well. I didn't want to have ears like the catwoman Mithras had nor did I want to be tiny stupid looking midget (tarutaru). Now looking back at my job choices I think I should have gone with tarutaru but meh, I just wanted to create a character that looked a bit like me.When I finally realized that I had to actually equip a weapon before I went to kill stuff and that everyone in the game aren't people playing the game but NPC's (non player characters) I started to enjoy it a lot. I was a level 5 thief and I was killing bees and worms in a desert looking area, KEWL!My first human contact was a Japanese guy who was playing with two characters. He, for some reason, wanted to help me level up. He was playing with a elvaan warrior which was about my level and then he had another character - a little tarutaru which must have been like level 75 whitemage or something. I didn't realize until a lot later that it was just one person playing two characters and was very sad that later on in the game he didn't even know who I was... Well anyway, I kept leveling up my thf, made it through dunes (a notorius area where all "noobs" get together for the first time), started to try different jobs and decided that I wanted to become a ninja. Took me about 40 levels (75 being the maximum) to realize that I wanted to be able to use magic with my characters... what a waste of time. By this time I was playing the game basically always when I had some spare time. My boyfriend had given up on me and our relationship was over, we were two people living under the same roof and that's about it... but what difference did it make, I had my new life online with the most amazing friends one could ask for.I leveled a healer job (whitemage) to 75 and felt very proud of myself and while I was doing that I met a guy in the game who told me the sweetest things you can tell to a girl. He told me he loved me, he told me he would do anything for me... I was melting inside every time I saw him log on the game - only problem was that he lived in the US.I had been saving up some money to go traveling and when I heard the words "come here I will pay for your flights" I went online and booked me a 2 week trip to go see him. I made him swear that he would actually pay my flights because I still really wanted to go traveling and he promised that he would.The two weeks I was there weren't the best. I never got any money for my flights from him and I ended up paying for everything we did there. The 2nd week this guy was ill and more than once I was sitting on the couch in their living room my eyes in tears because I was stuck in there and couldnt even go do anything because in US you need a car to do anything,(seriously ...anything!)I was happy to get back home but somehow I had gotten addicted to him and even this day I am recovering from the mistake I did to try to share a life with someone from a silly game, who lived on the other side of the world and was 7 years younger from me....But anyway... the game, I think huge online games like FFXI should have a limit on them. If you have played the game more than 20 hours a week it should block the user from playing it until the folowing week. The people in the game arent real and all the promises made online aren't real. I made a mistake of thinking that people online were my actual friends, I isolated myself a bit from real world when I was highly addicted to it but am happy to have found my way back to enjoying hanging out with my friends and watching movies. I still play but only if I have absolutely nothing else to do.I feel sorry for some of the people who have grown up with the game - they are celebrating their 18th or 20th birthday in the game firing imaginary fireworks to the sky and snogging their online partners. I have talked with several of them and these (mainly) boys are desperate on finding themselves a real online girlfriend because there is no way they could ever form a normal relationship with a person who didn't play the game. Going out doesn't excist for these people, if you go on a date you turn on your pc - it's so sad that it makes me cry, but they don't have a way out anymore - they need rehab - going cold turkey is not an option anymore.
Landing in to UK
Omg, my life has been so nuts lately. I just need to share it with someone and blogging seems like a great idea.Basically... in last year I have moved from UK to US, from US to Finland and from Finland back to UK. And as if moving from one country to another is not enough I have been in a turbulence relationshipwise for a year. I have lost about £3000 on stuff I have spent to make other people happy and meanwhile I have been ignoring the one thing that should matter the most - the thing that makes ME happy.I think I won't go too far in my past for now... I think I'll just start with the time when the whole insanity began.So yeah... 2 and half years ago I was still living in Finland (can you hear the faint humming of the time machine starting on the background?)I had just moved to Helsinki because my hometown had become boring and I had been dating this guy from UK and flying to Helsinki was a lot easier than coming all the way to a little village in the east. I had gotten me a job and a great little place to live in that I was sharing with 2 other girls. I quite enjoyed my life there. I worked in a little videostore as an assistant manager, spent most of my free time on the phone with my "omg he is so wonderful" boyfriend and occasionally hung out with some really good friends of mine that I hadn't been able to see much because they lived all the way in Helsinki.In December I had my birthday and my boyfriend had bought me a suprise trip to Paris. It was really great idea and I was very excited about going there. One night in Paris we were walking next to river Seine and he goes on his knees, takes a ring from his pocket (that he had borrowed from his mother!!!!!) and proposes me... It was a bit of a shock to me since I had not expected that at all. We had started dating only 6 months earlier and didn't even live in the same country. Well, due to the confusion and the fact that we were in Paris and the whole setting was like from a movie I said yes to him and hugged him as quick as I could so I could stare blankly to the distance without him noticing it. The folowing day was pure hell. I stopped talking because I didn't know what to say - I felt that the door of my cage had just been closed. I was blaming tiredness and just listened in horror when my boyfriend was calling his friends and family telling them that we had recently gotten engaged.We went for a walk in the city where I finally gathered together all the courage in the world and told my bf that I felt very uncomfortable with everything and I wasn't ready for the whole marriage thing... Still weeks after that we were receiving cards from people saying "CONGRATULATIONS". We never talked about this incident again - it just got burried in the back of our minds but the damage had been done and nothing was the same anymore.Shortly after our trip I moved to UK because I felt that long distance relationships were just dumb and I didn't have anything in Finland I couldnt say goodbye to. My first months in London were horrible. I was very anxious, depressed and felt that I had made the worst mistake of my life. I couldnt go outside without listening to music because I was afraid of people - I didn't have a job, i didn't have any friends and the only thing I did was spend hours at the gym and then come home and eat eat eat eat eat eat eat... I was very disturbed and bless my boyfriend he had to go through all that with me. I gained a lot of weight during that time and it made me feel even worse - in a way I had a bad eating disorder but without the puking it was ok, right? We didn't have any sex ever and naturally my boyfriend started to blame himself for it and I saw his self esteem crumble as we went on in our relationship... I have no idea how we managed to stay together for over a year after all that madness but we did - we were - and still are- good friends so I guess that was the force that kept us fleeing from each other. So yeah, that's how I ended up in London - eventually I got me a job and made some great friends. I got over my anxiety little by little and after few months going outside wasn't so bad. I started to talk to people and have my own life...but when I broke up with my boyfriend I was facing a situation where I had to think whether London was the place for me or did I move there just to be in a relationship... I decided to go to US shortly after and as it always seems to be... it was a big mistake. But I will tell you more about that next time.
Posted by We Drink Tea For Sport at 08:09 0 comments
Posted by We Drink Tea For Sport at 08:09 0 comments
WTF 2 years???? Need some serious updating...
Heyyyy!
I have been writing blogs to random pages but I will copy/paste them here so I can keep track of everything.
I ARE BACK!!!!!! beware!!! :)
I have been writing blogs to random pages but I will copy/paste them here so I can keep track of everything.
I ARE BACK!!!!!! beware!!! :)
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