Landing in to UK

Omg, my life has been so nuts lately. I just need to share it with someone and blogging seems like a great idea.Basically... in last year I have moved from UK to US, from US to Finland and from Finland back to UK. And as if moving from one country to another is not enough I have been in a turbulence relationshipwise for a year. I have lost about £3000 on stuff I have spent to make other people happy and meanwhile I have been ignoring the one thing that should matter the most - the thing that makes ME happy.I think I won't go too far in my past for now... I think I'll just start with the time when the whole insanity began.So yeah... 2 and half years ago I was still living in Finland (can you hear the faint humming of the time machine starting on the background?)I had just moved to Helsinki because my hometown had become boring and I had been dating this guy from UK and flying to Helsinki was a lot easier than coming all the way to a little village in the east. I had gotten me a job and a great little place to live in that I was sharing with 2 other girls. I quite enjoyed my life there. I worked in a little videostore as an assistant manager, spent most of my free time on the phone with my "omg he is so wonderful" boyfriend and occasionally hung out with some really good friends of mine that I hadn't been able to see much because they lived all the way in Helsinki.In December I had my birthday and my boyfriend had bought me a suprise trip to Paris. It was really great idea and I was very excited about going there. One night in Paris we were walking next to river Seine and he goes on his knees, takes a ring from his pocket (that he had borrowed from his mother!!!!!) and proposes me... It was a bit of a shock to me since I had not expected that at all. We had started dating only 6 months earlier and didn't even live in the same country. Well, due to the confusion and the fact that we were in Paris and the whole setting was like from a movie I said yes to him and hugged him as quick as I could so I could stare blankly to the distance without him noticing it. The folowing day was pure hell. I stopped talking because I didn't know what to say - I felt that the door of my cage had just been closed. I was blaming tiredness and just listened in horror when my boyfriend was calling his friends and family telling them that we had recently gotten engaged.We went for a walk in the city where I finally gathered together all the courage in the world and told my bf that I felt very uncomfortable with everything and I wasn't ready for the whole marriage thing... Still weeks after that we were receiving cards from people saying "CONGRATULATIONS". We never talked about this incident again - it just got burried in the back of our minds but the damage had been done and nothing was the same anymore.Shortly after our trip I moved to UK because I felt that long distance relationships were just dumb and I didn't have anything in Finland I couldnt say goodbye to. My first months in London were horrible. I was very anxious, depressed and felt that I had made the worst mistake of my life. I couldnt go outside without listening to music because I was afraid of people - I didn't have a job, i didn't have any friends and the only thing I did was spend hours at the gym and then come home and eat eat eat eat eat eat eat... I was very disturbed and bless my boyfriend he had to go through all that with me. I gained a lot of weight during that time and it made me feel even worse - in a way I had a bad eating disorder but without the puking it was ok, right? We didn't have any sex ever and naturally my boyfriend started to blame himself for it and I saw his self esteem crumble as we went on in our relationship... I have no idea how we managed to stay together for over a year after all that madness but we did - we were - and still are- good friends so I guess that was the force that kept us fleeing from each other. So yeah, that's how I ended up in London - eventually I got me a job and made some great friends. I got over my anxiety little by little and after few months going outside wasn't so bad. I started to talk to people and have my own life...but when I broke up with my boyfriend I was facing a situation where I had to think whether London was the place for me or did I move there just to be in a relationship... I decided to go to US shortly after and as it always seems to be... it was a big mistake. But I will tell you more about that next time.
Posted by We Drink Tea For Sport at 08:09 0 comments