life...

Nyaaaaaaaaaaaa - I have been so ill for the past 4 days... It's making me pretty miserable... Though today has been a bit better because I returned to work instead of laying in my bacteria infested bed feeling sorry for myself.
On Saturday I went to see Chris again, which of course was great but already then I was feeling a bit rubbish - I had taken 3 aspirins to keep me going and they did their job very well. And that was basically all I did for the whole weekend. Well at least anything that is somehow worth mentioning. Monday was a bank holiday here and it was all wasted because I was feeling ill... not that i had much plans anyway, but still I'd rather be bored and feel good than be bored and feel like shit. Yesterday I forced myself out for a little walk because I started to feel sick of the fact that I had been indoors for so long. I literally felt as if I was going to die - My lungs were so full of slime that it was hard for me to breath and I was sweating like a little pig (romantic eh?). I hadn't slept well for the whole weekend either so my mind was a mess, I felt like I was in another world, like I was high, even though I had only taken few aspirins that day. My reflexes were really slow, I could have easily been ran over by a car - lucky I was walking in a park. Anyway, as I was walking back home I almost started to cry because I thought I was going to die. I know it sounds ridiculous but you should have seen the state I was in. I was picturing an image of myself going to tell Chris, all my friends and family that I had only 2 weeks time to live... it made me really sad - stupid, right?
Chris called me in the evening and made me feel a lot better. He told me that he should have been with me to take care of me and I couldn't agree with him more. Was really nice to talk with him again, I miss him so much..

Well I'm back to work now (eventhough I am not feeling that great yet...) but one more day in my room of misery would just have broken me - I needed some social contacts. Maybe I will write some more tomorrow... Now I need to go and get me a cup of nice hot tea.

boredom

Today has been such a boring day. I have had maybe 3 jobs to take care of and some random bills to look after and that's it. I have been surfing on the net the whole day and it has made me wonder if there was a way for me to utilize the excess time I have here - maybe start learning a language or something. Will look into that tomorrow if it's as slow as it is today. I can't be asked to do anything today, well anything that is somehow productive - I think it is a result of general laziness that consumes me when I have nothing to do here.
I got a really sweet letter from Chris yesterday and I have read it like 4 times now. He had written me a poem about how he feels...
I am not a person who gets impressed by poems very easy because I find them very sleazy but his letter just basically put me in tears, that's how beautiful I though it was. I'm not going to go into details because it was quite personal but I just have to say that I am one lucky girl to have such an awesome boyfriend.
Well, I think I am going to go back to finding interesting stuff from the internet. I have already read a big article about earthquakes and also found this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9698TqtY4A

Enjoy!

How hard it is to go see a doctor in London? Answer: VERY!

I have been trying to register with my local GP now for a while so I can just go and have a check that all is fine with me (I haven't been to a doctor since I left Finland 2.5 years ago so I think it's well over due). I registered to a GP about 1.5 years ago here and it was quite painless, just had to go to the practice - sign a few papers and voila, I was registered and free to see a doctor whenever. Well, since then I have moved twice and that practice is like an hour trip away from where I live now plus they say that you should go to your local GP anyway so I have been on a mission to register somewhere local, and what a mission it has truly turned out to be.
I looked up from NHS website (NHS = National Health Service) which health center is the nearest to me and went there the other day. I signed up papers there and they gave me a time to go for my general check up. I also had to pee in a cup and I was carrying this warm bottle in my purse half a day before my appointment. I went to the health center after work and the woman in the reception explained me that I can't actually use that health center because my post code was wrong for that area. I live 5 minutes walk from that health center so obviously that really pissed me off... I left the building huffing and buffing and absolutely appalled on the service I had been getting.. How difficult it would have been for the woman to tell me in the first place when I went to sign up that I couldn't actually sign up there? I also didn't get any advice on where to go from there "check up from the internet" was the answer when I asked where I should go. You can imagine how far the urine sample flew when I got out from that building, should have left it to the receptionist as an early Christmas present...
Well, I didn't let this incident put me down too much and went to the internet to check out which was the next place for me to go to.. I found this health center not too far from me and my flatmate confirmed that he had registered there and that I could do the same. I decided to go check the place out yesterday after work - after 30 minutes wondering around I went to a little shop to ask where the health center was... the very nice and helpful man pointed me to this very old looking council building which turned out to be the GP's office...I had walked past it several times thinking that it can't be that. I walked to the door thinking that I must have done a big crime in the past for having to go see a doctor in such a horrible place. There were blue plastic chairs in a tiny room that looked like it hadn't seen a cleaner for months. The door to the reception had a paper print saying "GP's office" and my dear God... the office (reception in my understanding) was SO small and it had 2 fat women sitting behind a desk that looked as if it was falling apart for the sheer amount of papers and folders that were on it.
You know when you walk into a storage room where you keep all paperwork for 50 years, how the shelves are packed with boxes and folders and no one really knows what's where and how you get that feeling of messiness... well, that's how it felt when I walked in there.
First of all, I didn't get a hello - I got a look saying "ok what do you want then?" I explained the ladies that I needed to register and instead of answering me they gave me the look of "what the f~~k are you on about?" - at that point I started to wonder if they actually knew how to talk. After the awkward silence I continued to explain that I had just moved to the area and needed to see a doctor - when I could swear I saw a light bulb flash on top of the other woman's head and she just said "Oh, We are not accepting new patients" She did give me a phone number to call to though...
I walked out of the GP's office feeling that I was losing the battle.. It was 2-0 for NHS and I felt that I had no more players to put on the field.
But that same evening I got this great idea that I will just go to my old GP because registering with a new one was turning out to be impossible. I wrote down the phone number of my old GP to the back of my NHS medical card and went to sleep thinking that this is what I should have done in the first place. So today I called my GP and booked a time for a general check up, I got a time for 30th of May but I was a fool to think that it was going to be that simple... Apparently I had been registered to GP over a year without visiting the practice so they had deleted me from their system and I wouldn't be able to go there unless I provided them a new proof of address... and naturally I wouldn't have that for that area since I haven't lived there for over a year. 3-0.
So, what to do next?
I am ready to give up if it wasn't for the fact that I really need to see a doctor - so I took the phone number that the semi-mute woman gave to me and surprisingly enough someone answered! They gave me names and numbers of 3 different GPs in my area where I could try to register - I tried calling all of them and as I suspected, no one ever answered my call... I went for lunch and tried again a few minutes ago and managed to get hold of someone. I got me an appointment for Friday. SO - Wish me luck!!!!! Maybe I might finally get me signed up for a GP!!!!

Morning...

This morning I woke up with sun shining to my eyes a bit brighter than it usually does at 6 am in the morning. I felt relaxed and was checking how many more minutes I had until my alarm was going to go off. The clock on my wall said 7:30... 7:30!!!!!!! The bus I catch to work leaves 7:36!!!!
So goodbye to the morning streching in the bed - I was out of the bed, fully dressed 7:35 and ready to face the world. I am not quite sure how I managed it but I was at work already 8:10 - 10 minutes late but that was because I didn't make it to the bus stop in 1 minute from my house.
I have been so bored today at work and it makes the day go by really slow. My money issues are stressing me out constantly and I am a bit puzzled on what to do next. I need to pay off my credit card somehow, but the money I earn in my current job hardly pays for my everyday living, so I don't see myself paying off my creditcard anytime soon. I need to win the lottery!!! I have made some stupid choices in my life and one of them was taking my credit card to US with me... But I can't look back and feel pity for myself for the rest of my life - I just need to pay off that card and get rid of it, simple as that.
I have been thinking about my life and why I feel so anxious to move and change my life all the time. Eversince I broke up with my ex Ross about year and a half ago I have been in constant search for myself. I want some kind of stability but I don't know where to find it.
Ultimately I want a job where I can be with people - not earn millions but enough to pay my bills. I want a nice little flat with a living room, bedroom, bathroom for just myself. I don't want to share anymore.. ever!
I basically want the life I was living when I was in Finland...
So... that has made me wonder, do I want to live in UK anymore? I don't want to share, but I can't afford to live by myself. I don't want to work in an office but I can't afford to work in a cafe or a shop...
I think my next mission will be to convince Chris to leave UK with me to go live somewhere else (Finland maybe...) - or I have to look into living outside of London and if it is possible moneywise.
Ok, I think it's time for some lunch... Time... please go faster....

Peace out!

Oma Kulta!

LoL, I found this pic from my camera on the weekend - Chris had apparently taken it while he was at my place last time. I know he would kill me for posting it here, but luckily he doesn't have a computer in the army hahaha. But anyway... the ones who hasn't seen him yet, here is the person that makes my world spin :)

10th of July!!! YAY!

Well it seems that the British summer is over. I had to get my jacket back from the stoarge today because it's so chilly outside. On Saturday I was still thinking that it will get warm and went to see Chris with just wearing my jeans and a shirt but not today... brrrrrr, it's cold.
Was great to see Chris again - I was getting really worried and annoyed last week because I didn't get any letters from him nor did he call me like he said he would. I was going to cancel my visit for Saturday because I didn't know wether he wanted me there or if he was even there, but decided against it because I had to at least find out why he hasn't been in touch. Well, as it turned out, on Saturday morning I had received a letter from him where he told me that he had gone a rank down which meant that he couldn't call me and when I saw him he told me they had a really busy week and that he has been writing to other people as well - so all is good. Well actually things are better than good, Chris told me the best news when I was visiting him - His case was reviewed and he will be getting out on 10th of July, which is only 52 days away!!! It made me a very happy girl!!
It's a very long process to go see him for 2 hours to a room full of people where you can only sit across the table from each others and hold hands. First I walk or take a bus to Stratford where I take a train to Colchester. Train taxes approximately an hour (sometimes less debending on how many stops it has) and from the Colchester train station I take a cab to their camp which takes another 15 minutes or so. But, even though we get to see each other for such a short time and not have any privacy what so ever, it is so worth it - it brings a big smile on my face for the whole week and I am sure it does the same to him.
We are planning to go to Finland in July when he gets out - would be SO nice to show him places where I used to hang out and introduce him to my family and friends. We were first planning to go to Spain since we wanted to spend some "summer" together, but since we will have some summer months together now after all we might just go to Finland... and I am really happy that Chris really wants to go there as well.
And not just that, I think summer is not summer unless I go to Finland at least for few days. Summer is so different there because people really wait for the summer months there. Many people have their holidays then and just chill and have a good time. In Finland during the summer the endless days roll into each other, and the Finns roll with it - There is enough time to sleep in the winter when it's dark and cold. It's impossible to explain in words what the summer there is like. Lake, sauna, cold cider, birches, sun, friends, holiday, green, new potatoes, recently cut grass... just a few of the things that comes to my mind when I think of summer and Finland.
Work has been pain in the ass lately - been taking care of the timesheets for the whole of our team and let me tell you, it can be a bit boring. People haven't been paid correctly for the past 4 months and they are not happy. It's not really my job to look after the payroll, but someone has to if they don't know how to do it... I am very seriously running out of money this month and it doesn't help that my sister hasn't paid the flight back to me yet and is saying that she might not be able to pay it until the end of the month.
I wanted to buy me an xbox or nintendo wii, but I think that has to wait for few months now since all the excess money I have will go to traveling to Colchester on the weekend to see my hunnybunny.
But that's enough for now - I leave you with this question though: Did you know that cats (and other animals) can snore? I just talked with my boss who told me about his cat that goes under the bed to sleep and snores like ****! I feel sorry for his wife because apparently my boss snores as well.

Sex in the City

I haven't written for a while because I am writing letters to Chris every single day and that kinda strains my productivity.
Well, I just thought to put a picture here of the spot where I go always have my lunch ... and also a bit blurry picture of my stirfry lunch lol.
I am going to Leicester Square today to see if I can spot any starts from the new Sex in the City movie and after that MAYBE go see some ice hockey. I might go home though, not that interested in the hockey this year plus I can't spend any money (i mean ANY money) so I think it's a bad idea to go to a pub to watch anything with 0 budget.
Anyways, going to keep it short for now - oh one thing... I burned in the sun on sunday (sun - day... wow I never realized that...) and my face is all red... it's so odd that no one has said a thing about it though, maybe thsi is what Brittish people consider a tan, lol.
But now I am off, cya later!

Sunny Sunday

Oh my, the weather has actually been really nice lately!!!
It's been +28C at the best and I have been enjoying the sun as much as I can (lunch breaks mainly).
Today (Sunday) I am planning to go to the park for a bit just to lay on the grass and daydream. I went to see Chris yesterday in Colchester. I was worried that it would be very strange, but it was actually very nice. The train ride there was painless, only took like 50 minutes. Taxi driver knew immediately where I was going to and even why (lol) and there were people waiting for me at the gate to advice me where to go and so on. And what made it better also was that there were other women as well seeing their husbands, boyfriends, sons...
Anyway, I almost burts into tears when I saw him because I had missed him so much... I hid it pretty well though, I think. He looked really great! The uniform does his justice and I could tell that he had been doing lots of training... I can't wait for him to get out now ;)
We had 2 hours to catch up and all this time we were allowed to hold hands. We were allowed to kiss and hug when we met and said good bye, but it was really hard to leave... I wanted to take him with me.
But all in all it was very good to see him, I think I will go see him as often as I can because it makes us both more motivated in getting through this. In this 3 weeks that I haven't seen him I have started to feel a bit different, like he doesn't even excist, but now that I saw him all the feelings I feel for him just rushed back again. Like.. we write to each other but I guess it's different to actually see and be able to touch each other. AAAAANYWAY, like I said he really looked very healthy and fit... and basically I wanted to rip his clothes off and yeah... lol
I hope the summer stays the way it has been for the past few days. Sun keeps my moods up a bit and I want to get tanned.
We are going to go to spain with Chris when he gets out. I probably have to pay for our trip since he is not earning anything while he is in the detention but I don't really mind, I like the idea of going for a weeks holiday with my baby. So yeah, my summer will have a short extension in October.
But, I am gonna go out now for a bit and see if I can find something fun to do. ADIOS and I shall write you more tomorrow.

Pink Hair - I wantz it!!!

Plaah, what a lame post the last one was.. I am not an emo!!! lol I am just a product of LONDON!!! Man, I so need to get out of here!!! But I just have to manage through summer in here... in boring London where everyone just thinks about money and success.
When I got back here in January I had all these ideas of going to courses to learn stuff and meet lots of new people and all that good jazz but I had completely forgotten that even breathing the air here costs money ~(even if it is very polluted)
I wanted to take a spanish course (£250) - I wanted to join the gym (£100/month) - I wanted to go out with my friends here (at least £100/night) - I wanted to just have a life here (at least £1000/month).. I know I am going on about money, but London is ridiculously expensive and it's starting to make me so sick. I want my life back but I can't even save to move out from here lol.
I just wrote a letter to Chris where I asked if he wanted to skip the country with me for a year - just travel out of Europe for a while and get some perspective of how life and world really is about.
I know while I have been in London I have changed a lot and I don't really like what I have become here. I want to be able to dye my hair pink if I want to and wear clothes that make people like me (what I am now that is) think that it's sad... see the thing is LONDON HAS MADE ME BORING. I have to wear a suit every day to work - I can't show my shoulders or knees or toes... My hair has to look neat and I have to put make up so I look pretty when we meet clients.
I work 9 hours a day and take probably another 2 hours to travel to work and back so during the week I don't really have much time for myself at all. When weekend comes I don't want to do anything because probably still on saturday I am stressed about work.
I know.... if you don't like your life - CHANGE IT... but that doesn't apply if you live in London. Here if you don't like your life - TOUGH - you can't afford to change it unless you first work for 20 years and earn enough money to pay off your debts.
ARGH, I wasn't supposed to whine in thie post... it's SUNNY for once and I just spent an hour having lunch next to a fountain (and 200 suits sitting next to me) - it was very nice and I probably burned my skin a bit.
I'm not as miserable as I make it sound, well sort of am but I mean there are good things in my life as well.. I have isolated myself a bit from the world at the moment, but I will be back with flying colours (literally) and then I will say GOOD BYE LONDON for good because this very obviously is not the place for me... (only took like 3 years for me to figure that out...)

And this pic is me and my sister out on last Friday... we were a bit drunk (as you might be able to tell...) - so sorry the pic is a bit blurry.

I am very emo today...

My sister was here for the weekend and we had a good time. I saw her to the airport in the morning and when I got back to my empty flat it hit me again that I won't be with Chris for a very long time.
I'm getting a bit bitter sometimes when I see people holding hands and kissing because I am going to be missing all that fun for the next 5 and a half months. If I am completely honest I don't know how I will manage this whole summer, but I know I will... I know I will be here waiting for him to get out because I am incabable of cheating on him.
We were out on Friday and some guys were chatting to me and made it very clear that they wanted more than just chat with me. One of the guys was even ready to take my sister home with him as well as long as I went with him... Very strange (or desperate) but even though I was very drunk I was only thinking of Chris and how I will just have to wait until the end of summer to be part of any fun...
I have read the letters he has sent me probably 50 times - it's the nearest I have to communicating with him. They are my treasures and I carry them with me so I can read them when ever I want to... I know it probably sounds a bit sad but please let me know if you feel any better when you have a situation like this in your life.
Well, I know things could be a lot worse... he could be away for 6 years instead of 6 months, but I think I wouldn't wait for 6 years though. I just wish time would go faster ... but at the same time I feel that I'm wasting months of my life just waiting for the summer to pass... it's a weird spot to be on, very difficult to explain.
At the same time I am stressing out about money, about living in London, about being very lonely most of the time because my good friends are in Finland and the ones I have in London I see very rarely - because that's just how life is in London... AND all my friends are couples that usually want to spend time with each other... which again makes me sad, bitter, jealous... etc.
I feel that I am becoming a hermit in London sometimes... I feel that I have no one here that I can really talk to or cry about my sorrows.
I work with guys - I am the only woman in the whole team, which means that I am not making any new friends - so should I maybe change jobs?
I am very unhappy in London at the moment. I am paying too much rent and travel and everything... I don't have money to buy me happiness and all I seem to do now is go to work, do mindless work for 9 hours, go home and feel sorry for myself.
I think for the next few months I have to improve the quality of my life... I will look for something else, because I can't just spend the whole summer waiting for the time to pass...
Oh... I actually haven't told you why I am waiting for the summer to pass.. Well, of course I am waiting for Chris to get out of the army detention center but the main thing is that I will be moving out of London - we have been talking about it before a bit and I am certain that later on this year I will move out of here and Chris will help me find a flat and a job from somewhere else, maybe Cardiff.
London is very black and white city if you don't have lots for friends to share it with...
I moved here to be with a guy that I thought that I was going to marry, I really liked London back then and now... I feel that I am just trapped here.
I think once I move out, I will find my soul again and hopefully feel free from this stress and anxiety that London generates to my life...
but yeah, that's all for now... Emo Tanja signing off - hopefully will be a better tomorrow.