I am very emo today...

My sister was here for the weekend and we had a good time. I saw her to the airport in the morning and when I got back to my empty flat it hit me again that I won't be with Chris for a very long time.
I'm getting a bit bitter sometimes when I see people holding hands and kissing because I am going to be missing all that fun for the next 5 and a half months. If I am completely honest I don't know how I will manage this whole summer, but I know I will... I know I will be here waiting for him to get out because I am incabable of cheating on him.
We were out on Friday and some guys were chatting to me and made it very clear that they wanted more than just chat with me. One of the guys was even ready to take my sister home with him as well as long as I went with him... Very strange (or desperate) but even though I was very drunk I was only thinking of Chris and how I will just have to wait until the end of summer to be part of any fun...
I have read the letters he has sent me probably 50 times - it's the nearest I have to communicating with him. They are my treasures and I carry them with me so I can read them when ever I want to... I know it probably sounds a bit sad but please let me know if you feel any better when you have a situation like this in your life.
Well, I know things could be a lot worse... he could be away for 6 years instead of 6 months, but I think I wouldn't wait for 6 years though. I just wish time would go faster ... but at the same time I feel that I'm wasting months of my life just waiting for the summer to pass... it's a weird spot to be on, very difficult to explain.
At the same time I am stressing out about money, about living in London, about being very lonely most of the time because my good friends are in Finland and the ones I have in London I see very rarely - because that's just how life is in London... AND all my friends are couples that usually want to spend time with each other... which again makes me sad, bitter, jealous... etc.
I feel that I am becoming a hermit in London sometimes... I feel that I have no one here that I can really talk to or cry about my sorrows.
I work with guys - I am the only woman in the whole team, which means that I am not making any new friends - so should I maybe change jobs?
I am very unhappy in London at the moment. I am paying too much rent and travel and everything... I don't have money to buy me happiness and all I seem to do now is go to work, do mindless work for 9 hours, go home and feel sorry for myself.
I think for the next few months I have to improve the quality of my life... I will look for something else, because I can't just spend the whole summer waiting for the time to pass...
Oh... I actually haven't told you why I am waiting for the summer to pass.. Well, of course I am waiting for Chris to get out of the army detention center but the main thing is that I will be moving out of London - we have been talking about it before a bit and I am certain that later on this year I will move out of here and Chris will help me find a flat and a job from somewhere else, maybe Cardiff.
London is very black and white city if you don't have lots for friends to share it with...
I moved here to be with a guy that I thought that I was going to marry, I really liked London back then and now... I feel that I am just trapped here.
I think once I move out, I will find my soul again and hopefully feel free from this stress and anxiety that London generates to my life...
but yeah, that's all for now... Emo Tanja signing off - hopefully will be a better tomorrow.