My life is in recession...

Lately I have been feeling that life really has turned it's back on me and fate has forgotten my existense.
For the past year and a half... or maybe even more.. I have been going from one bad choice to the next. I am struggling through life and shit keeps coming on my way. Year 2008 has been nothing but easy - I think this year is a year that really tests whether I am ready to pass this course in life skills.
My problems started really when I decided to go to America. I didn't think all the aspects of "moving" to another side of the world... (hmm, sounds very familiar... I wonder if I have ever done that before....*pulls hair*). I was fooled to believe that everything was going to be fine and someone would share the burden of "life" with me - but that just taught me that you live and you die alone in this world - you can't trust anyone. I know that sounds very cynical and bitter, but that was the LAST time I let anyone use me so platantly as I was used when I was in America...
I was SO poor when I was in America that it is not funny. I had to use my credit card to the maximum limit and like I wrote before, all the stuff I bought when I was there is still there... I don't have any of the stuff that I am now paying for (yeah, even my clothes).
I was having regular panic attacks in America, I was crying for days and spent hours in a dark closet hiding from the world. I know that probably sounds really sad but I was going crazy big time when I was there. Sometimes I was getting worried of my life because I would start hyperventilating when the panic attacks got really bad - It's a scary feeling when you are already crying and panicing and suddenly you can't even breath...
I had all the strange new stuff to deal with and also a "boyfriend" who kept promising me the moon from the sky and the next day lieing to my face why he couldn't do this and that. I have always been a fool for "pretty words" and naively I always have believed everything that people tell me. I have always believed that beneath everyone is good, but I have learned the hard way that this is not the case, no matter how much I want it to be.
It makes me sad to think about the episode I had in America - it had all the potential of being the best time of my life (and some parts of it was really great) but it turned out to be the biggest mistake I have ever made. Wish I could just erase it from my mind, but I have a huge credit card bill reminding me of it at least for the next year or so.
Well, anyway - America got me in to a chrisis with the bills I had piling up - well mainly my phone bill and my credit card. My "boyfriend" told me that he would pay my phone bill since I had paid his HUGE phone bill when I was in America and he said that he would sell the stuff I had bought and basically pay me back all the stuff that I had bought for him when I was there but... as you can guess he never paid anything...
I was really lucky when I got to Finland from America in November last year - I got me a temporary job in the local department store for 2 months. I spend the whole Christmas time in Finland and once the contract ended I was face to face with a situation again where I had to make a decision on what to do with my life. I was quite happy in Finland and for 2 months I had been free from panic attacks and then they hit me again. I had made a decision to go back to London, most likely because I was confident that I could get a job from there easy and also for the fact that my credit card was from UK and if I ever wanted to pay it back I would need to have some kind of income to my UK bank account.
I missed the first flight I had booked to London because I had such a bad panic attack ... things were starting to go crazy again. I booked me another flight and I guess I had a better day on the day of the flight because I managed to make it to London.
I was very lucky to get a job quite soon after I got to UK - within my 1st week in London. I actually got 2 jobs, 1st was a receptionist role in a media company and the 2nd was an assistant role for a big bank. I decided to go for the role in the bank because I thought that they would be more reliable and they also paid slightly better pay. I also did some temporary work before I started my permanent role (conclusion: in London it is SO easy to find work if you really need it and if you aren't too picky on what you will be doing).
Anyway, I was happy for getting a job and I also found me a nice room to rent for a month for the time when I was looking for a more permanent place to live in.
The month was passing fast and I was waiting for my very 1st pay day like rising moon because I was running out of money, I had to wait extra week longer to get paid because I had started working in the middle of the month, I had to move out of my room (which meant paying for deposits etc.) and did I mention that I was running out of money... BIG TIME!
I can't believe that I fell for the same stupid bullshit that I had fallen for just 6 months earlier. My "boyfriend" - who at this point was "ex-boyfriend" - told me that he would be sending me money because he owed me so much, he even told me that he had gone to the bank and taken care of it. He also said that his mother had bought my TV (yeah this awesome 37' LCD HD TV) and he would be sending the money for that.
Well, I never got any money from him (I still haven't) - what a big surprise... but at that time I still believed that he was actually doing what he said he would and that caused SO much trouble. The week I was getting paid I had to take 3 days off because I didn't have money to buy me a travelcard to go to work ... let alone buy food - bless the family I was living with because I had to steal food from them (nothing too fancy, just rice and a banana occasionally) - that's the first time I have been driven SO LOW that I had to actually steal something to stay alive.
Well anyway, I had my spirits kept up for the fact that I was getting paid in few days and I was moving that weekend as well - so no panic attacks then.... but oh dear... God really has a twisted sense of humor since this is when things really started to get interesting:

Day 1 (Thursday)
I go over my overdraft on my bank account because I had to buy me a travelcard to get to work. This is the pay day so it doesn't make much of a difference - £25 penalty but I can handle it. Today I also need to go pay the deposit for my new flat where I will move on Saturday.
I get to work - no one has been paid - no one knows why no one has been paid.
I call my new flat and explain that I can't come that day.

Day 2 (Friday)
I go over my overdraft again because I had to buy the travelcard (another £25 fine)
I get to work - no one has been paid - no one knows why no one has been paid.... I start to panic since I can't go pay my deposit to my new flat where I am supposed to move the next day.
Midday we get informed that the company we were working for has gone to liqudation and we have all been made redundant. No one will get paid.
My mind enters autopilot and panic starts to take over - I am going homeless, jobless and I will starve to death.
I ask every single person I know to lend me money... NO ONE lends me money (not even £10 so I could buy food).
I surf the internet for all the loans I could imagine getting and apply to all of them. I manage to gather together £500 of all the payday loans that were willing to lend me a bit of money with interest rate out of this universe but there really was no other choice... I call my new flat and tell them that I can come over and they tell me that they don't want me to move there anymore because they can't trust me to pay the rent. At that point I felt that I was meant to fail this - I really was going homeless the next day eventhough I worked so hard the whole day to get that money together.
I contacted Finnish embassy saying that I was going homeless and even they said that they couldn't help me.
I go home, knowing that I will have to leave my room when I wake up - I can't remember anything of that night, I think I was in a shock of somekind, I can't even remember crying... I probably wasn't.

Day 3 (Saturday)
I wake up.
I have been granted a little bit of strength and willpower during the night and I start my mission to sort out the mess I am in.
I search all the posts on gumtree for flats and arrange only 1 viewing for few hours from the moment I woke up. I get my essential stuff together and leave my room for good...
Felt very strange walking on the streets of London not having a place to go that night. My friends were out of town so I couldn't even go stay at them...
I go view this flat which seems ok and tell them that I want the room - naturally it's not just up to me whether they take me there or not. I go sit in a cafe and wait for a call which.... after a few hours comes and I am invited to start living in this house.
I only pay £500 out of the £750 I am supposed to pay (I didn't tell him about my situation since he would have NEVER let me stay there if he knew what had been going on) - I tell him that I will pay the rest in the folowing week (without knowing if that was even possible).

The folowing week another company took over our business and gave us all "a hardship fund" of £2500 that literally saved my life... I had to pay my £500 loan back which ended up taking about £1000 off that because of all the intrests (NEVER USE PAY DAY LOANS - THEY ARE RIDICULOUS!) and the rest I used to sort out my life like paying the rent etc. But this "hardship fund" was just a loan and we had to pay it back... well, I am still paying it back and it's messing up my life as we speak.

Not only this, but I have been going out with this wonderful guy (as if you didn't know for reading all my posts) who has been stuck in the army detention centre and I haven't actually been able to spend any time with him - apart from 2 hours a week holding hands across a table.

Anyway - so the long story short. I have been through so much shit in the past 12 months that sometimes I wonder why I keep trying. I am so tired of all this and especially because I have been going through all this shit alone.
The whole episode of stealing food and going homeless has made me realize who my friends are. All of you reading this that I asked money from few months ago I hope you feel really proud of yourself. I know you are not obliged to help your friends when they ask for help but just remember this, when you next time need a favor don't be suprised if I don't even answer your call, because I could care less. You all knew that I was starving on those few days, you all knew I was going homeless and yet ALL of you came up with some excuses why you couldn't lend me money... not even £10 for food. Though I appreciate a few of you offering me a place to stay if it went that far, I will keep you on my friend list still but the rest of you can just disappear from my life. I know that sounds harsh but I don't need friends who are there only when the sun is shining.
I always help everyone, even if it means I have to cut the cheese off my bread - I can't understand people who won't do anything. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HUMILIATING IT IS TO ASK FOR MONEY?!

Maybe this year is the year for me to clean up my life of all the cob webs that I have gathered in the years I have been on this earth. I haven't had any panic attacks for a very long time even though my life has been doing cartwheels. I am very poor even though I am working in one of the biggest banks in the world, I have debt reaching all the way to my neck (thanks to all the shitty choices I have made) and basically I should be going to the mental hospital already for all the stress that I am experiencing all the time because of the lack of money. But the secret for me has always been to be in control to keep some kind of sanity and that is what I have been for the past few months - My world collapsed around me but I fought my way back on top of the rubble and the foundations of new life are already being built. Maybe this time I live my life a bit smarter...

(PS. sorry if this post make no sense and is written with very bad grammar but it is a very long post and I cant be asked to go through it again...)